Don't Treat Me With Kid's Gloves But Do Choose Your Words Wisely

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves- Gandhi

The title can actually be applied in any circumstance, to anybody. It's a great mantra to live by. It's also a mantra my therapist seems to have either forgotten, misplaced, or never learned.  On one of my visits to him a couple of months ago (about my third or so visit with him), I was at my lowest. I was visibly shaken, so upset I could not even drive myself to the appointment. He could tell from the start that I was in emotional pain and extremely upset. (This was before placing me on Lithium to try and balance my mood somewhat.)



My therapist, Dr. Jane, is a Christian and he makes no effort to hide it. It's stated in the new client paperwork he gives and in his office which is littered with Christian literature and bibles. Now that's fine, he's never once prosthelytized to me. However, somewhere along the way he lost what's acceptable for a therapist to say.


 I have long grappled with the issue of if there really is a God. That's shocking for someone who stoutly believed in God for her whole life until she went to college and began to think more freely about the universe and God. After three to four years of deciding what I did and didn't believe, I arrived at the strong conclusion  that God indeed, did not exist and was merely a crutch for the weak who had to have something greater than them to believe in and who had to have a comforting explanation for what would happen to them after death. I am currently strongly re-evaluating this stance, with an ever-increasing sense of spirtuality. 
 (Dawkin's would call me a "level 6" atheist, the same as he is)


When I was in this horribly low state, my mind began to turn to teachings of my childhood and I began to wonder if God was punishing me with my disorder to teach me a lesson, perhaps showing me what happens to those who don't believe or that I did infact, need Him.  So, knowing Dr. Jane  was a Christian, on my way out of a session where I said, "you're my last hope, I don't know how I can go on", I asked if he thought God punished people in the way(s) I was suffering to show them how wrong they were. To my astonishment, Dr. Jane said yes, he believes God does punish people that way, then tacked on awkwardly, something about "to show them the way and/or lead them back to Him, show them the need for God in their lives. Great, now not only am I desperate and suicidal, looking for any sliver of hope I could find, but I'm condemened and smitten too.

I was shell-shocked, to say the least. I have never since and never will again ask him any such question. I was at such a point that I easily could have come home and taken a full bottle of Lithium and Klonipin, something I had told him in session, that I was so low, I was at suicidal state, only hanging on for the sake of my girls. The lack of compassion, which I so desperately wanted, was a slap to the face, heck a spit in the face.  The only reason I stick with Dr. Jane is because he's quite introspective and really takes everything in, showing me he isn't just tossing meds out the window and hoping they work (I've had a doctor like this, though he was incredibly kind).  I stick with him also because there are only two therapists within an hour of me that are covered by my insurance.  I left that session though, crying harder than when I went into it and feeling even more desperate.


  To be fair, my next visit he was quite concerned about me and if I was doing better, he mentioned how awful I looked last time and how he could see all the pain I was in.  I really do believe that he is brilliant in knowledge about medications and what to do and is methodical in his treatments, wanting the best long-term fix for his patients, not to have them med jumping and all over the spectrum.