I Say Bad Things...

I say bad things...horrible things..and I'm not proud of it. This part, the times I say horrid things to Mr. Jane, are definitely not an excuse for a result of my bipolar condition  Regardless of how Mr. Jane behaves or what he says, what I say either provoked or unprovoked, is unaccceptable. The most god-awful things fly out of my mouth, things I never ever mean and things I instantly regret. Telling the man I love more than anything in the world that I wish he would drop dead? Where does that come from? Totally inappropriate, totally unacceptable! There is one small allowance for me the last several days, read more after the jump.....

Last week, I had been on a "downward spiral" for 9 days. I called my therapist and asked for a prescription of Seroquel which I have taken and had success with in the past. Well, not this time. Aside from the fact that the medication makes you stumble around like a druken clown if you have to get up at night (recommended to be taken at night), it igited hell fire fury in me. This hell fire fury has not been limited to anyone, no one has been spared, including my girls.

Whereas usually the loudest I raise my voice doesn't even phase them, I've gone to all-out yelling at the top my lungs and SCREAMING at them over the most minute of issues. I am so absolutely filled with rage over things that formerly, never bothered me and/or only caused me mild irritation (like the 9,000 times I've said "don't throw your sanwich bits on the floor or the 10 millionth time Littlest Jane has spilled her entire glass of milk, AGAIN). This rage started between 48-72 hours after begining Seroquel, right when I reached near maximum (for the time) dosage (My Dr. prescribed it so as to step up and increase the dosing by 50mg each night).


In the last several days, I've had more fits of rage and feelings of an anger that fills me that I cannot control, than I have had weepy moments, though I'm still in a downward spiral at the time and cry often.  Thankfully, I have an appointment today and I hope to come back on Trazodone, a drug that has worked for me in the past, (in addition to Lithium and Klonopin) as I don't plan on ever taking Seroquel again.

You can read about the potential side effects of Seroquel here: Seroquel Side Effects


To my family who has had to endure my wrath for the last week, I am truly apologetic.  I love them all very much and I hate the fits of rage more than I hate the near-constant crying and over-all deppresive mood.