Overall, I am feeling much better. I am happy, excited, filled with some hope. I am re-starting college to finish my B.A. and then I plan to move on to my master's. That gives me the feeling of empowerment, of being able to take my life any direction I want, save for one problem.
I want my master's and PhD to reflect something in the area of Behavioral Science or Forensic Psychology because I want to work for law enforcement or the FBI in those areas, studying and profiling criminal behavior. I'm disheartened because I think due to my bipolar and suicide attempts, no one will ever hire me, so my hopes are dashed.
I did learn something about the FBI this week. Only 1/3 of all agents are "Special Agents", the ones requiring a four year degree and three years professional work (as in waaay professional, not even as "just" a beat cop!). But to be a non-agent, the requirements aren't as stringent. I hope to go to an information session on base, held and given by the FBI, and come out with more information. To be a "Special Agent" one of the best jobs you can do is Naval Intelligence. Hey, that would pay off my undergrad, my grad school, and give me awesome benefits (and the family) and set me up for a job with law enforcement, FBI, even a U.S. Marshall. Hubby says he can't see someone my petite size doing that kind of job. LOL.
Who knows where I'll be in four years? But it will be further along than I am now.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dr. G.
Dr. G., no, not the Dr. G. of cable television, but Dr. G. is my new psychiatrist. I am incredibly impressed, talk about a change-over and total turn around from a judgmental, withdrawn, and quiet former therapist (the one who told me God was punishing me and gave kudos on my non-needed weightloss). To kind of give an impression of him, think of a younger "Ben" from the television series Lost.
Dr. G. is inviting and comfortable in his setting. He makes me at ease he's so at ease. He curls his feet into his chair when he becomes introspective, when he's deciding the best course for me. He agrees that lithium is the gold-standard for bipolar disorder. He agrees with the dosage of Prozac at 30mgs but doesn't want to go any higher, instead wants to add very small increments of Abilify to help with the depressive side of my disorder. He's so conservative, he's starting me at 2mgs and hoping for a range of 5 to 10mgs, with 5 being ideal. He says he is always conservative with what he prescribes. As for the klonipin, I knew I was on an extremely high dose of that, the highest recommended, in fact. Dr. G. was floored that so many therapists kept me on such a high level. He was further shocked that anyone, particularly someone "my size" could function, even walk straight on that high of a dose. He wants me to come way down but we have to do it slowly, one pill ever ten to fourteen days, because it's a very dangerous drug to quit suddenly. He said klonipin has the same effects on the brain that alcohol does!
I feel very safe in his care, very assured that he actually cares (over the one who openly professed to be a Christian, isn't that a shame?)/ In fact, I get the overwhelming sense that everyone at that center cares about me, to the point it brings tears to my eyes. They really care that I live and live well! I will see him again in two weeks with hopefully more good things to report. I just cannot under-state how much it touches me, how deeply, that this group of people aren't just there because it's their job, but give me the sense they care, really care.
**Note- All Anti-depressants such as Prozac, etc carry the risk of swinging a bipolar patient into a manic episode, some more than others, but all pose this risk. Hence the reason to keep Prozac at 30mgs and not 80mgs and try other options not likely to send me into a manic state but also to keep me out of a depressive state (bipolar is the same as manic-depressive but is not related to schizophrenia.)
Dr. G. is inviting and comfortable in his setting. He makes me at ease he's so at ease. He curls his feet into his chair when he becomes introspective, when he's deciding the best course for me. He agrees that lithium is the gold-standard for bipolar disorder. He agrees with the dosage of Prozac at 30mgs but doesn't want to go any higher, instead wants to add very small increments of Abilify to help with the depressive side of my disorder. He's so conservative, he's starting me at 2mgs and hoping for a range of 5 to 10mgs, with 5 being ideal. He says he is always conservative with what he prescribes. As for the klonipin, I knew I was on an extremely high dose of that, the highest recommended, in fact. Dr. G. was floored that so many therapists kept me on such a high level. He was further shocked that anyone, particularly someone "my size" could function, even walk straight on that high of a dose. He wants me to come way down but we have to do it slowly, one pill ever ten to fourteen days, because it's a very dangerous drug to quit suddenly. He said klonipin has the same effects on the brain that alcohol does!
I feel very safe in his care, very assured that he actually cares (over the one who openly professed to be a Christian, isn't that a shame?)/ In fact, I get the overwhelming sense that everyone at that center cares about me, to the point it brings tears to my eyes. They really care that I live and live well! I will see him again in two weeks with hopefully more good things to report. I just cannot under-state how much it touches me, how deeply, that this group of people aren't just there because it's their job, but give me the sense they care, really care.
**Note- All Anti-depressants such as Prozac, etc carry the risk of swinging a bipolar patient into a manic episode, some more than others, but all pose this risk. Hence the reason to keep Prozac at 30mgs and not 80mgs and try other options not likely to send me into a manic state but also to keep me out of a depressive state (bipolar is the same as manic-depressive but is not related to schizophrenia.)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"God Saved You For A Reason."
....Those are the words the nurse pushing me out to the car in the wheelchair said to me. "God saved you for a reason and it was for taking care of those babies of yours and more." Those words resonate with me. I don't know if I am sure it was God who saved me, I am actually highly inclined to believe He did, but those words have stuck thickly in my brain. I am also inclined, on my logical, analytical side to reason out that it was dosage, metabolism, food consumption, weight, and time of intervention that prevented the ruining of my kidneys and liver or death.
What I do know is that there is a firm plan of action in place now. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist who are both quite near me and work in the same building and will be able to work in concert for my betterment. This therapist has several immediate members of her family who are bipolar, something I almost want to believe was set just for me, here I am, bordering on believing in fate and/or divine intervention. Problems at home I am sure will diffuse. Mr. Jane has already been helping more, has talked through with me what my stresses are, has work involvement to help with counseling to make us a strong, united front. So I have help and we have help, and the best of marriages can benefit from some good counseling, this is a great thing. Other things have been owned up to, I hope they hold true and that this house is a quieter, more peaceful place. I hope I get back on track to be the mother and wife I need to and can be, and even better. And lastly, with all these...blessings?...coming through, I ask for one more....that I get full funding for college in the switched/new major I've chosen. I have new hope with that field.
Though there have been tense times, I thank my husband for standing by me through my suicide attemptS (this last one was only the most real and serious..and the last) and my ups and downs with my moods...but then again, I've dealt with his too (slight joke). It takes a lot of love to stay with someone through all of that. That's another realization of this week, that inspite of it all, it takes a lot of love to stand by someone with what he's stood by me through.
So...God saved me for a reason...bring it on and THANK YOU!
What I do know is that there is a firm plan of action in place now. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist who are both quite near me and work in the same building and will be able to work in concert for my betterment. This therapist has several immediate members of her family who are bipolar, something I almost want to believe was set just for me, here I am, bordering on believing in fate and/or divine intervention. Problems at home I am sure will diffuse. Mr. Jane has already been helping more, has talked through with me what my stresses are, has work involvement to help with counseling to make us a strong, united front. So I have help and we have help, and the best of marriages can benefit from some good counseling, this is a great thing. Other things have been owned up to, I hope they hold true and that this house is a quieter, more peaceful place. I hope I get back on track to be the mother and wife I need to and can be, and even better. And lastly, with all these...blessings?...coming through, I ask for one more....that I get full funding for college in the switched/new major I've chosen. I have new hope with that field.
Though there have been tense times, I thank my husband for standing by me through my suicide attemptS (this last one was only the most real and serious..and the last) and my ups and downs with my moods...but then again, I've dealt with his too (slight joke). It takes a lot of love to stay with someone through all of that. That's another realization of this week, that inspite of it all, it takes a lot of love to stand by someone with what he's stood by me through.
So...God saved me for a reason...bring it on and THANK YOU!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Better Times Ahead, Feeling Better
Other than the guilt over what I did and what nearly was, I'm feeling better. I have an appointment soon, bright and early this morning, with a counselor who will hopefully provide better coping skills than turning to an overdose. Let me repeat: This is not something I want to have happen again. One of the most embarrassing things I'm dreading this week? Admitting this to my medication therapist. When I look back on it all, what was even close to worth it? I know how I felt at that moment, but what in the world led to that point? I really can't excuse myself for that.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Yes, I Selfishly Almost Died This Weekend.
Friday night I willingly committed a selfish act for which there is no excuse. Stress, yelling, false accusations, horrible words, none of it excuses my selfish actions that almost took me from my beautiful children and from everyone else that cares about me in this life.
I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.
No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.
It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.
Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.
To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.
The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:
The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung
Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden
But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")
To my family, I love you.
I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....
I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.
No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.
It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.
Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.
To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.
The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:
The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung
Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden
But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")
To my family, I love you.
I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....
Friday, May 7, 2010
Madder than Hell and Ready to Spit Fire!
Watching Dr. Phil, I saw the angering story of Tiffany Tehan, the "missing" Ohio mom found with her lover in Florida. She just stated on Dr. Phil that she had no concern for her 13 month old BABY, her CHILD, because she knew her husband, whom she was also running from, was a good care provider.
This boggles the mind! I can understand moms like Andrea Yates, whom I believe are actually mentally disturbed, doing something unfathomable (well, I can't understand but can accept it more) but a woman who admittedly was married to a good man, first leaving her husband but most importantly, leaving her child and having NO CONCERN? No mental illness to report of, just off living her own selfish life. I dubb her a sociopath because cares about no one's happiness but her own.
As someone who fights mental illness while juggling toddlers, I am sickened by this woman. You DO NOT just abandon your responsibilities and up and go. SHAME, SHAME on you, Tiffany Tehan. Waaaa she says she was crying the day they left. Not enough to whoop it up from Ohio to Florida for five days. Dr. Phil asked her if she's emotionally compromised, she said she doesn't think so but is willing to be evaluated. YES, Dr. Phil, she IS emotionally compromised but not by post partum depression like you suggested, or any other "typical" disorder we hear about. No, you fall in the lines of depraved and selfish. SHAME on you. Your parental rights SHOULD be revoked until a serious evaluation is completed and some serious counseling and effort on your part is shown. Until then, like the site, "People You'll See in Hell" asks, does this person belong in hell, the answer is YES, resoundlingly YES and perhaps your daughter is LUCKY about the decision you made.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20003164-504083.html
This boggles the mind! I can understand moms like Andrea Yates, whom I believe are actually mentally disturbed, doing something unfathomable (well, I can't understand but can accept it more) but a woman who admittedly was married to a good man, first leaving her husband but most importantly, leaving her child and having NO CONCERN? No mental illness to report of, just off living her own selfish life. I dubb her a sociopath because cares about no one's happiness but her own.
As someone who fights mental illness while juggling toddlers, I am sickened by this woman. You DO NOT just abandon your responsibilities and up and go. SHAME, SHAME on you, Tiffany Tehan. Waaaa she says she was crying the day they left. Not enough to whoop it up from Ohio to Florida for five days. Dr. Phil asked her if she's emotionally compromised, she said she doesn't think so but is willing to be evaluated. YES, Dr. Phil, she IS emotionally compromised but not by post partum depression like you suggested, or any other "typical" disorder we hear about. No, you fall in the lines of depraved and selfish. SHAME on you. Your parental rights SHOULD be revoked until a serious evaluation is completed and some serious counseling and effort on your part is shown. Until then, like the site, "People You'll See in Hell" asks, does this person belong in hell, the answer is YES, resoundlingly YES and perhaps your daughter is LUCKY about the decision you made.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20003164-504083.html
Nothin' Good To Report
I'm sorry to say, I have nothing good to report. I can think of a list of good things in my life, then I can think of a list of bad or frustrating things and either because it actually does or because my perception is skewed, the bad or "negative" tips the scale in the downward direction. There are times I'd like to drink myself into a blue haze, but that's neither helpful nor practical. Remember, feeling like doing something and actually following through are two different things. I have also found myself too many times this week and last contemplating how many pills it would take to end it all. Yes, life is that hopeless, even with the beauty of the children I have in it. By the way, for anyone reading this and considering suicide by pills, it's not an easy way to go. First, you have to take enough which turns out to be A LOT. Second, you don't go easily, drifting off into a peaceful sleep. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you struggle to breathe, even as you may be losing consciousness, or god forbid, you're fully aware of the entire process. Not a great prospect and ultimately, not the end I want to acheive. Remember thoughts may indicate you need help but do not indicate you would act on them.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Just Can't Distinguish....
It's been a while since I've posted. Generally, you can assume I'm doing well when I don't post, I'm in a state of eveness, not a pattern of mania or depression. These last several days though, have given me pause and I just cannot distinguish if I'm having "normal" "down" mom days, what's normal for a mom of two toddlers who rarely gets out of the house and has zero social interaction OR if it's that I'm falling off of the precipice again, into depression. As I type this, it occurs to me that likely the two are interrealted and go hand-in-hand. I'm considering calling my therapist on Monday and looking into increasing my Prozac dose, something we were going to look at in our next session any way.
If someone could cure depression, imagine the millions they would make, imagine the lives they would improve, imagine the families they would save and heal, imagine the lives they would say. My skeptical side says the FDA would never approve such a drug because of the trillions that the drug companies and government would lose out on. I'm just thankful that at most, I have to pay a co-pay of $22 and knowing that some months that's a tight fit into a budget, I can only imagine what it's like for the person that must pay hundreds for any medication and cannot have their cure or at least the aid they need to function in a normal and healthy fashion.
This post sort of derailed but I suppose it's not useless fodder.
If someone could cure depression, imagine the millions they would make, imagine the lives they would improve, imagine the families they would save and heal, imagine the lives they would say. My skeptical side says the FDA would never approve such a drug because of the trillions that the drug companies and government would lose out on. I'm just thankful that at most, I have to pay a co-pay of $22 and knowing that some months that's a tight fit into a budget, I can only imagine what it's like for the person that must pay hundreds for any medication and cannot have their cure or at least the aid they need to function in a normal and healthy fashion.
This post sort of derailed but I suppose it's not useless fodder.
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