Nothin' Good To Report

I'm sorry to say, I have nothing good to report. I can think of a list of good things in my life, then I can think of a list of bad or frustrating things and either because it actually does or because my perception is skewed, the bad or "negative" tips the scale in the downward direction.  There are times I'd like to drink myself into a blue haze, but that's neither helpful nor practical. Remember, feeling like doing something and actually following through are two different things. I have also found myself too many times this week and last contemplating how many pills it would take to end it all. Yes, life is that hopeless, even with the beauty of the children I have in it.  By the way, for anyone reading this and considering suicide by pills, it's not an easy way to go. First, you have to take enough which turns out to be A LOT. Second, you don't go easily, drifting off into a peaceful sleep. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you struggle to breathe, even as you may be losing consciousness, or god forbid, you're fully aware of the entire process. Not a great prospect and ultimately, not the end I want to acheive. Remember thoughts may indicate you need help but do not indicate you would act on them.


I haven't seen my therapist again yet, although I do soon. I called him earlier this week because my "funk" from last week persisted. He upped my Prozac dosage from 20 mgs to 30 mgs so maybe this will help. We had discussed initially reaching a 40 mgs dose to be the most therapeutically effective, so while it's sad I need to increase, it also isn't an awful thing, though it does give rise to concerns that Prozac will turn out to be another medicine that just doesn't work for me. I've been through so many over the course of the last 10 years, I don't even remember all of them.

I can say that the isolation I feel is catching up with me with a vengeance.  I stay at home all day with my two toddlers and either because of their age and their need, their drive to test limits, or because I'm tired of it (being a sahm) or a combination of that with the Bipolar thrown in, I'm ready to throw in the towel and send them to day care. On the other hand, I can't imagine them not being with me on a daily basis but my nerves are frayed. We have no playgroups to go to, no activities to get involved in. In fact, ever since I married five years ago, I've been pretty much a soical recluse. (I am not blaming anyone for this, for those reading). Socially isolated, I'm expected contacts on the Internet ought to be enough. It may be the dream life for some, but I've always been a social bird, it's killing parts of my soul little by little and causing me to go insane. How much can one take?

To read this, you'd think there are no positives in my life, but I assure you, there are. This blogs is a means of venting my frustrations, my real feelings. While I'm discussing real feelings, I have to add I feel I live under a microscope and despite all I do, I have the rights of a teenager in this house. If that sentence gets me in trouble, so be it, it's the truth. (The other half is the many wonderful things that person selflessly does for me.) Do they counter-act each other? I don't know. I just know I want to get stable and I know that people with Bipolar CAN get and STAY stable for YEARS! I also know that Bipolar people tend to have the highest rates of suicide of any other depressive group, so I am always mindful of that. I have people that love and need me, I have an exciting, uncharted, unmapped road ahead to journey that can lead where I direct it. I can empower myself more and take more control, do more. That will be my goal of focus. As Dr. Seuss said, "Kid, you'll move mountains, 98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!".

Mahalo