Friday night I willingly committed a selfish act for which there is no excuse. Stress, yelling, false accusations, horrible words, none of it excuses my selfish actions that almost took me from my beautiful children and from everyone else that cares about me in this life.
I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.
No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.
It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.
Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.
To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.
The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:
The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung
Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden
But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")
To my family, I love you.
I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....
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I love you! I'm so glad you are still here!! I know God has an awesome plan for you, and who knows? You might sometime be involved in helping others who suffer from bipolar disorder and depression. I hope you can move forward from this quickly, knowing you are forgiven and loved by your friends and family!
ReplyDeleteI needed that, thank you!
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