A New Day

It's a new day and I have great hopes, it can be better. Another day on Prozac, if this is going to work well for me, maybe today will be an improvement. I'm still expecting weeks before full effects kick in.

I was opining with a friend over why I'm so down and I said, "You know, it's a wonder I havent ended up in the mental ward, literally. I'm cycling through different drugs, Im on the depressed side of my bipolar, Im in chemical menopause, I had surgery less than two months ago for the third time since June 2009, I work a full plus time job, I have two toddlers testing their boundares and I lost my ability to have children when they did tubal on my one ovary left (even though we have/had plans for no more).

The chemical menopause alone, who really needs that? The Lupron shot that causes it only lasts a month and it's nearly been a month, so it should be out of my system soon and I hope that helps considerably.

My friend replied: "you should say to hell with it and go straight to shots of whiskey!!"

(Insert laughs)

On top of that, I'm 5,000 miles from my family and friends. Whew! Anyone stressed yet reading this?

Emotional Roller Coaster

It's very odd to me to feel "peaceful" yet go into a state like I did this afternoon, crying and feeling like I didn't even want to live. I wonder, when will this cycle of emotions end? Why do they come and go like they do? Thank God the really low point didn't last long.

 An online friend chatted with me and spoke of their experiences on Prozac and what she said matched my days four and 5 on it precisely. It's all so hard to explain, all so hard to comprehend, all so hard to take in...and all so hard to live.  I'm counting on Prozac to be my lifeline.........

And I definitely don't want to become this girl (below), suicide can't be an option when you have two beautiful girls to care for.

For me, there's always tomorrow, always hope that it will be better...it will get better and won't always feel this way.

MomFractured, the Two Janes, and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, VERY Bad Day

So today was one of those days. It would take six blogs to fill what happened today that could frazzle one, but I'm assuming theLupron I'm on to send me into chemical menopause is not helping to stabalize my mood(s). In fact, I'm considering risking monsterous sized cysts again on the one ovary I have left because I have to get my mood stable, or as stable as a woman can be (hahaha a laugh for all of you men!).

Other than the fact I thought I would totally lose it right at 2:30pm, only 30 minutes after the girls had been up from nap, I feel okay. Except when I thought I would lose my ever-lovin'-mind over the things Littlest Jane in particular was doing, I had an overall peaceful feeling. But I swear, I thought daddy would never come home and he saved me from this:

Feeling better and better....The Prozac Wonder?

I'm losing the stumbling gait, constant tiredness, and zombie-like quality of the Trazodone, I'd call it pretty much gone. Even though this is only day three of the Prozac, I feel calmer, more balanced, and I'm becoming less weepy. I actually feel happy at times. I hope this is headed for stabilization, not a manic episode. My therapist says Prozac has less incidence of swings into mania than the anti-depressant I had trusted (off and on) for years, Lexapro.  The only think is Prozac has killed my appetite and given me a very upset stomach.  I've dropped 7lbs in just a couple of days, weighing in last night at 121lbs. For someone with an eating disorder, this is a slippery slope.  I'm not sure if the Prozac appetite/upset stomach effect is lasting or lets up as my body adjusts to the medication. (Note: this is a noted side effect of Prozac, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, and upset stomach).

For now, I'm just happy to be feeling better mentally. We'll work on physically as I feel better  mentally.

 (Sterling Roses are my favorite: they announce happiness, peace, and beauty.)

I Smiled and Laughed This Morning!

Whew! Finally, no more stumbling around every 5 steps, no feeling tired all day long! I woke up and smiled and laughed this morning getting my girls out of bed, it was not an annoyance. It always used to be this way, it makes me so happy, I keep getting weepy over it. It was only a week of super-hell on Trazodone but I'm so happy I feel better, I'm crying.


Now, I still am very weepy off and on just for no reason. The Prozac my therapist prescribed should help with that, which he says is actual depression. I took my first 20mg dose this morning along with 30mg of klonopin (an anti-anxiety medication) and then tonight, I'll take 900mgs of lithium and 30mgs of klonopin.  My therapist thinks the Trazodone worked so well before because I wasn't on lithium with it. The two together are very sedating so the Trazodone didn't work well as it was intended (to be an antidepressant).  Thankfully he steered away (due to my hesitance) from Lexapro, a wonderful drug that I feel wonderful on, but only at high levels (30mgs) and swings me into a manic phase.


YAY! To feeling happy! I hope the Prozac is the trick that balances me out but for now, I'm just enjoying the effects of Trazodone wearing off.

So.......just for fun, a little bit of my humorous side! (after the jump)

Bye Bye Trazodone, Hello.....

Well the new "cocktail" keeps lithium and klonopin, while tossing Trazadone and changing to Prozac.  The list of drugs throughout my depression (even before I was diagnosed as Bipolar) is long indeed. What works for one, doesn't work for others and a drug that has work can lose its' efficacy so you have to start all  over, adjusting to a drug, moving up the dosages, and hoping it works.  It can be such a whirlwind of drugs, you start to loose count.

I suppose there's a lot of misinformation out there about Bipolar and depressive disorders. It just doesn't quite work like, "Stop being sad", "Snap out of it", or "Just choose joy". I promise if it were, except true self-loathers, would do it, readily.  Who wants to feel like life is so full of sadness, it just isn't worth living? Who wants to feel totally hopeless and alone?  Who wants to feel like they are carrying around a large demon on there back that sucks all the hope out of the world? 

I hope to report in a week or two (though it may take 6-8 weeks to be effective) that I'm out of my depressive mode.

"I Choose Joy!"

A very well-meaning, well-intended person, who loves me very much, said she just tells herself, "I Choose Joy!"  If only it were that easy, 1) I'd do it and 2) A lot of psychiatrist/therapists would be out of A LOT of work.  I wish I could wake up every day and say,  "I'm going to be happy today!", "I'm going to choose joy!" But obviously, depression extends from a chemical imbalance, perhaps some damage to the brain in the womb that laid the path to problems down the road. All I do know is that a depressed person, especially a severely depressed on or one in the throws of a serious depressive state (remember, Bipolar is also referred to as manic/depressive), it's lucky when a good regimen of medication(s) is found that helps the cycling stop but to simply wish joy for oneself, that is still the impossible.

This picture was pained by artist Vincent Vangogh, presumable one of his last, thought so because of the very dark colors in the painting. He was only 37 when he died and it seems throughout most of it, he was quite troubled. The Troubled Life Of Vincent Van Gogh   offers a good outlook on this troubled, restless soul who tragically died too young.  I am sure if he could have simply, "chosen joy" he would have. It's great advice for the stable, almost a slap in the face to the imbalanced, because we want to!!!!.....but can't.

Bye Bye Trazodone?

I am hoping to hear back tomorrow (Thursday) regarding a message I left for my therapist.. I am ready to throw all of my Trazodone into the trash. I can no longer stand the day-long lasting drowsiness, where I just stumble around with no hope of a straight or balanced gait.

Opinions are varied on Topamax and its' effectiveness on Bipolar as a mood stabilizer but it seems that more and more studies are showing success at stabilizing moods. I have asked to be placed on that, I'm hoping he's read the positive studies linking Bipolar mood stabilization and Topamax. I hope that my first idea not being right for me (when it was in the past) also doesn't negatively influence his opinion or allowing me to try Topamax.

Also waiting for the lithium test results......

Defining Bipolar and the different types.

There are different types of Bipolar, Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and Bipolar Cyclomania. There aren't major differences between the four and the methods of medication are fairly similar, with lithium for mood stabilization being commonly prescribed. Other medications may also be introduced into the treatment process, depending on what other issues the patient is having.

Bipolar I-  Also known as manic depressive disorder or manic depression, is consider a form of depressive disorder. From WEB MD , a person must have at least "in his or her life a manic episode. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of mania and depression, many people with bipolar I disorder can live normal lives.

Bipolar 2 - (again from WEB MDBipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.
However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.
A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.   In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

Bipolar NOS - (Not Otherwise specified)  The main feature of this type of Bipolar, apart from depression, is rapid cycling and the key here is that anti-depressants set off a manic phase. In a manic phase, you find yourself feeling "invincible" and you can be prone to making very horrible, misguided decisions, ones you wouldn't normally make. Those include excessive spending of money or drinking highly excessive amounts. In other words, the manic periods swing incredibly high.

Bipolar Cyclomania- (from LiveStrong ; Bipolar disorder, sometimes still called manic depression, is a psychiatric disorder characterized by mood swings and thought disorders. People with bipolar III disorder, also called cyclothymia, have a less-severe disease than people with other bipolar syndromes. While they have mood changes alternating between hypomania and depression, they aren't subject to the suicidal lows and delusional highs seen in some types of bipolar disease and stay connected with reality, according to the National Library of Health.

Now I started off being diagnosed with Bipolar NOS, because high doses of anti-depressants would swing me into a severe manic state.  But then, I realized through speaking with my doctor, that I would have long-lasting manic phases  (greater than two weeks)  even when off an anti-depressant.

Why didn't I realize this soon? Maybe I could be further on the road to treatment and stabilization. I blame myself, not my doctors, for not picking up on any of this soon.

All  I know right now is my depressive state has been going on for over two months  now and it just over-whelms me, right now I feel like it controls me, not that I control it.

In regards to post on March 16, 2010

On March 16, 2009, I made a post about "Not treating me with kids glove...."
http://tinyurl.com/yd3gttx

And although I've mostly pushed out those unkind and inappropriate comments by my therapist, I believe he should be mindful of the words to this song, just replace "karma" with consequences for sin, since he's a Christian.



John Lennon-Instant Karma




  

Little Less Drunken Zombie, Little More Sad

So I'm feeling less "drunk" from the Trazodone, but still feel the need to back off a little more on the drug, give it a few days, and go up by 50 mgs. The drug has given me wicked nausea, as someone (because of depression) who already doesn't want to eat much AND is border-line anorexic with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, this is not a good thing. The more the scale goes down, the more excited I get, the more determined to not eat I get. For over a year now, my girls have made comments about the small amount of food I place on  my plate. When someone says children observe everything, they're spot-on. I've gone from 129lbs to 124lbs since I started the medication last Friday.







So I didn't hear back about my lithium levels today and the office is closed.  I believe my doctor is off tomorrow so it seems likely it will be Thursday before I hear anything. I'm still extremely weepy so I'm quite interested to find out what my levels are and if they need to be raised to 1,200 mgs. I am just so tired of fighting off this sadness and more than anything, having no power over it, it's totally beyond my control.

No More Excessive Anger or Yelling Outburts.....

The extreme uncontrollable outburst of anger and rage are gone. Instead, now I'm trying to find my right balance on Trazodone so I don't stumble around like a drunken zombie, which is what I'm doing right now, even at 2:12pm  One starts off on Trazodone at 50mgs and moves up as tolerated, to 300-400mgs.  It is a highly  sedating drug which is why you must take it at night and must use extreme caution in increasing you dosage(s).








I mentioned that I was having my lithium levels to see if they were at a level that is therapeutically effective. I took the test on Friday and hopefully will know something tomorrow. I'm wonder if my dose is high enough because I'm still quite (though not as) weepy, far more than I was in the past.


I need  to do some reading and asking (of my therapist), what sets bipolar (manic/depressive disorder) off, what triggers it? Surely there is something that is triggered in the brain, setting the highly depressive state off?
Hope to answer theses questions in my next blog post, as well as report lithium levels and feedback from my therapist.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

I saw my doctor again today and he did allow me to discontinue to Seroquel and swap it out for Trazodone, though they are two different types of drugs So I hope this will cut down on my rages, I would say hopefully it would eradicate them altogether but I am in chemical menopause through Lupron and while most women are able to take some estrogen to help with those not-so-pleasant moods, a blood clotting disorder makes estrogen a potential deadly hazard for me 32 times more likely to have a thrombosis while on estrogen). For those who are interested, it is an inherited disorder, I received it from either my mother or father.

I Say Bad Things...

I say bad things...horrible things..and I'm not proud of it. This part, the times I say horrid things to Mr. Jane, are definitely not an excuse for a result of my bipolar condition  Regardless of how Mr. Jane behaves or what he says, what I say either provoked or unprovoked, is unaccceptable. The most god-awful things fly out of my mouth, things I never ever mean and things I instantly regret. Telling the man I love more than anything in the world that I wish he would drop dead? Where does that come from? Totally inappropriate, totally unacceptable! There is one small allowance for me the last several days, read more after the jump.....

We're All Mad Here

“'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'

'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'”

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

 

I have dreams of one day, out running this, walking long enough to defeat it.

 

 

I watched an interesting documentary on depression on Hawaii PBS late last night. On the show, Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary described his decades long (and ongoing) battle with depression, its' effects, and how it made him feel. It also focused on other individuals who shared their experiences regarding depression.  It made some valid points that no one, even someone else going through depression, can know how I am feeling. Telling someone who has depression you know how they feel and it will get better is absolutely the wrong thing to say.

 

 

Dan McClean "Vincent" ("Starry Starry Night")

A brilliant artist who suffered (presumably) quite horribly from mental illness.
If picture does not show, click link to hear song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dipFMJckZOM

Lyrics after the jump

Don't Treat Me With Kid's Gloves But Do Choose Your Words Wisely

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves- Gandhi

The title can actually be applied in any circumstance, to anybody. It's a great mantra to live by. It's also a mantra my therapist seems to have either forgotten, misplaced, or never learned.  On one of my visits to him a couple of months ago (about my third or so visit with him), I was at my lowest. I was visibly shaken, so upset I could not even drive myself to the appointment. He could tell from the start that I was in emotional pain and extremely upset. (This was before placing me on Lithium to try and balance my mood somewhat.)

Another Oddity to Add to the Pot

Did I forget to mention I'm also OCD (this also partially explains my eating disorders because they fall into the spectrum of control issues, though one of my therapists says the medical society/DSMV IV is looking at recategorizing the spectrum of eating disorders)?

My OCD can show up in different forms at different times. My most "peculiar" OCD habit is that I must eat off a certain plate and use a specific fork and/or spoon. This is not a want, it is a must. I put away the dishes but if for some reason Mr. Jane goes scavaging and rearranges things (as he always does, just tosses things willy nilly when searching) and I cannot find my plate and utensils, it causes me extreme stress and anxiety.  The other thing I've become OCD about are my downstairs floors. The entire house is hardwood laminate and there's red mud everywhere here. With two toddlers, Little Jane and Littlest Jane, plus a Mr.Jane who walks outside in his socks, trampling through the mud, dirt, grass, sidewalk, wherever, you get it, you can imagine how hard it is to keep floors clean in my house. Dirt and crumbs, it's a never-ending battle and there are days I will vacuum or sweep and mop up to five times per day. 

Not defined by my disorder but often consumed

A very wise person told me that I was not my disorder, just as my father, who died at 33 of a massiave heart attack, wasn't heart disease, nor was my aunt who died of cancer, cancer.  She made a wise observation that gave me pause to think and to realize the truth in her words and in that truth, some strength.

Hope is little, medical outcome bleak....

From Google health:

For the manic phase of bipolar disorder, antipsychotic medications, lithium, and mood stabilizers are typically used. For the depressive phase, antidepressants are sometimes used, with or without the manic phase treatment.


There is very little long-term evidence suggesting that any medication has great success in the maintenance phase. However, in studies that followed patients for 2 years, lithium and some antipsychotics were found to be moderately successful.

This means my swings, my down, depressive, and suicidal periods have little chance of stabalizing or improving overall, only for brief periods.

Read more about Bipolar after the jump

My Posting Style and About Me

Some days my posts will be rather organized, rather well-put together. Others, it will flow not so seemlessly, it will seem random bits, put together.

As you look at the picture on the left-hand side of this blog, you may recognize it as being Pablo Picasso's "Weeping Woman". I chose it for this blog not for the title, even though I do cry and weep a lot throughout the day, especially when not in a phase of mania, (which I haven't been for a couple of weeks now) but because it reminds me...of me. It reminds me of this beautiful stained glass picture that's been dropped and put back together all mismatched and wrong. This isn't to say I exactly feel beautiful either, not often any way.