Oh be careful what you say...

I saw my therapist last Thursday and I commented that despite the lithium, a known weight gain causing drug, I had gone from 130 (within the healthy BMI range for me) to 117, most of that being in the last month.  He said, "well, that's good."  Now, he says this knowing I have been diagnosed as borderline anorexic and with body dysmorphic disorder. To me, that's like saying, "Go ahead, it's okay to lose another 17 lbs". Well, Mr. Therapist, I've lost one since our meeting last Thursday.  Where is your head? I can only imagine not in your notes.

Today has been an eh-blah-okay day, I think that's more related to the day than the bipolar. Just one of those "blah" days you wish would hurry up and end.

You can never be too rich or too thin.....

Not Exactly Happy, But Oh-So Much Better

I'd call my current state an apathetic calm.  I can laugh and do, but mainly I go through the day feeling calm (not sedated) and at peace, which at least is a far call from crying and thinking, "save for my little ones, I'd kill myself now to escape whatever this is that's happening to me."  By far and large, not fully understanding the disorder, especially what sets off a manic or depressive episode, is the most frustrating.

The MayoClinic.com states, Although bipolar disorder is a disruptive, long-term condition, you can keep your moods in check by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder can be controlled with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy). I laugh at the term "disruptive", that is by far an understatement. Also frustrating is the long-term (it should read life-long) nature of this disorder.  Another frustration is, Mood shifts may only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time (MayoClinic.com). If you allow it, it can become like waiting for a bomb to explode or the other proverbial shoe to drop.

So how did I live the last 10 years of my life diagnosed with depression, but not bipolar? Well, likely it was a combination of things. For me, "depression" (more so 10 years ago) had a stigma behind it but bipolar meant you were just freakin' nuts! So I never read about the disorder, never caught the symptoms. I also was very good at fooling my therapists. No more. I'm dead-open honest. It was just one little thing that Mr. Jane said a year ago that recently triggered in me, "what is wrong with me?", "why do I behave this way (manic) at times?"  That set off the research, which I reported to my new therapist when we moved, and here I am, in a bipolar world. From what I've read, 10 years is actually the normal span for people to live with bipolar and not know it.

MayoClinic.com gives a number of causes for bipolar (Biological differences, Neurotransmitters, Hormones, Inherited Traits, and Environment) but I believe it is a combination of three main factors: changes to the brain in utero, Inherited Traits, and Environment.  So that means I've always had bipolar, it just didn't emerge until I was 20 (though I was depressed before that) and didn't really "trigger" until my early to mid-20's, the main time for the disorder to present itself.   Figuring out the triggers, that's more difficult. That can range from stress to any number of things. But why couldn't it have just laid dormant in me? I suppose when medical science figures that one out, the pharmaceutical companies will be filling their coffers...more.




*To get a good visual of the manic and depressive phases of bipolar, I recommend you check out Manic-Depressive Scale and Symptoms

Not much to report...a good thing!

I don't have much to report, I'm really in a passive and calm state (and with two toddlers and a husband, that's not small feat!). I don't know if it's a combination of the Prozac and a passing of the depressive state  or if it can solely be attributed to the Prozac.  Either way, I'm not in the miserable state I've been in for weeks. I hope it continues but the more peaceful and at ease I feel, the less worried I become about falling off that edge. I hope that doesn't mean when a depressive state comes again, because I'm sure even with meds, it will (the research bares it out), I am not so surprised that I really go over the edge from the stark change between calm and peaceful and feeling like life should end.

Feeling "Normal"

Whatever "normal" is, I am finally feeling it! I suppose after this long run of depression and crying, that's cause for celebration! No more feelings of desperation, no thoughts of suicide, and no random bouts of crying. I feel calmer and more at peace each and every day. I can only attribute it to the Prozac (along with the other medications), which I hope continues to help me feel further and further away from that precipice I mentioned in my last post.  I'm also losing the fear of the depression returning and focusing on feeling "normal". Next step I hope is feeling GOOD. One step at a time.....

Lotus Flower

Houston, We Have Progress

've felt the most grounded, centered, and even-keeled as I have in a long time. Still, I worry about falling off the precipice. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, wondering when I'll fall back into a state I feel I cannot handle. Maybe I won't, I should be celebrating this, but I know too well that one, today didn't feel good enough to throw a large celebration and two, the way I feel, I'm teetering right on the edge.  I want to, I need to move further from the edge of the cliff before I celebrate any victories.  I'm still hanging on by a thread....

Oleander-Halo

 

And it's always little things

That to the surface brings


The comfort in the pain


The fear behind the smile


We lose along the way


The things we leave behind


Along the precipice


Of things we should not climb


And I'm the first in line


There's an anchor around my heart


Dragging me down


Beneath the waves in silence I fall


There's a halo above my head


Spinning me 'round


'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead


A dagger in my hand


Bleeding me dry






And it's always little things


That to the surface brings


The space you need to breathe


Before the curtain call


The light that leads the way


Before you hit the wall


The mountain that you climb


Just to take a fall


For blind among the blind






There's an anchor around my heart


Dragging me down


Beneath the waves in silence I fall


There's a halo above my head


Spinning me 'round


'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead






There's a dagger in my hand


Bleeding me dry






And all we have to lose is time


And what we lose we leave behind


Stay around and we will shine

In a Blue Funk State of Mind

I'm in a Blue Funk State of Mind, though there's no real reason for it. It's not easy, either. As T-Bone Walker crooned, "Stormy Monday" (see below) and one person commented on the song, "the gospel right there son. Blues def aint nothin but a good man feelin bad."  Yesterday was mine and Mr. Jane's fifth wedding anniversary. He got me some beautiful roses with delicate, miniature tulips, and a hand-blown glass rooster. It was an anniversary without much fanfare, due to having Little Jane and Littlest Jane, but it was still nice. 

Even still, all day yesterday, just like today, I could not shake my Blue Funk State of Mind. I'm beginning to wonder how long the down side of this depressive episode of bipolar is going to last. I'm beginning to question everything, like how long can I hold on? WHEN will the Prozac work? I feel calmer, but I'm still so very depressed. So, what next?  I'm two weeks off from my  next available therapy session due to Mr. Jane's work schedule. Can I really make it two weeks? I don't really have any other option. All I know is that right now, even when I am not teary, everything has a blue pallor to it. I feel like no one understands what it's like to be in a constant Blue Funk State of Mind.