Not Exactly Happy, But Oh-So Much Better

I'd call my current state an apathetic calm.  I can laugh and do, but mainly I go through the day feeling calm (not sedated) and at peace, which at least is a far call from crying and thinking, "save for my little ones, I'd kill myself now to escape whatever this is that's happening to me."  By far and large, not fully understanding the disorder, especially what sets off a manic or depressive episode, is the most frustrating.

The MayoClinic.com states, Although bipolar disorder is a disruptive, long-term condition, you can keep your moods in check by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder can be controlled with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy). I laugh at the term "disruptive", that is by far an understatement. Also frustrating is the long-term (it should read life-long) nature of this disorder.  Another frustration is, Mood shifts may only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time (MayoClinic.com). If you allow it, it can become like waiting for a bomb to explode or the other proverbial shoe to drop.

So how did I live the last 10 years of my life diagnosed with depression, but not bipolar? Well, likely it was a combination of things. For me, "depression" (more so 10 years ago) had a stigma behind it but bipolar meant you were just freakin' nuts! So I never read about the disorder, never caught the symptoms. I also was very good at fooling my therapists. No more. I'm dead-open honest. It was just one little thing that Mr. Jane said a year ago that recently triggered in me, "what is wrong with me?", "why do I behave this way (manic) at times?"  That set off the research, which I reported to my new therapist when we moved, and here I am, in a bipolar world. From what I've read, 10 years is actually the normal span for people to live with bipolar and not know it.

MayoClinic.com gives a number of causes for bipolar (Biological differences, Neurotransmitters, Hormones, Inherited Traits, and Environment) but I believe it is a combination of three main factors: changes to the brain in utero, Inherited Traits, and Environment.  So that means I've always had bipolar, it just didn't emerge until I was 20 (though I was depressed before that) and didn't really "trigger" until my early to mid-20's, the main time for the disorder to present itself.   Figuring out the triggers, that's more difficult. That can range from stress to any number of things. But why couldn't it have just laid dormant in me? I suppose when medical science figures that one out, the pharmaceutical companies will be filling their coffers...more.




*To get a good visual of the manic and depressive phases of bipolar, I recommend you check out Manic-Depressive Scale and Symptoms