Progress in slow steps....

I had an appointment with Dr. G yesterday and when he asked how I felt, I was able to say, "on a more even plain, but not there yet."  I do have fewer highs and lows, especially fewer lows, I no longer go around the house crying randomly throughout the day. However, I just don't feel I'm there yet. I shared with him that though I made no real plans, suicidal thoughts often plagued my mind and what scared me most was the thought of not being there for my girls no longer helps me think in a different direction. Having lost my father when I was 5, it has always been important to me, even more so, to be there for my girls, always. My current physician is even beginning cholesterol and heart checks (heart disease is the number one killer of women, especially those predisposed to it) so I'm doing things to make sure I'm here but having thoughts of not wanting to be here.

Dr. G is urging me to see my psychologist, Dr. R and get to the root of why I have these feelings. He suggested it's deep-seeded but right below the surface, something I can discuss with her and find an alternate plan to suicide. He said that he can see huge changes in me just in our few visits, that I'm less rushed in what I say (fewer racing thoughts) and less anxious (inspite of coming off of an anti-anxiety medicine, klonopin). I told him that's a credit to him, for placing me on a "directed course", he said he liked that phrase. That phrase sums him up well. All of my previous psychiatrists have just treated me as a human medicine guinea pig, using only 10 minutes of an hour-long session, tossing out old medications, slinging at me new ones, sometimes just a week or two or a couple days after I had started one. Is it any wonder I was so far off-balance after a YEAR of that? Dr. G takes the entire hour, really gets to the root of how I'm feeling, what my energy levels are like, how day to day life is for me. 

For those interested in the medication side because they may be on medication or may be considering medication, here's an update on that. Dr. G dropped my Prozac to 20mg per day but has added in Lamictal and currently has me at 125mgs per day, tapering up to 200-225mgs for the maximum therapuetic benefits. I am still weaning off of klonopin, a very difficult drug to come off of. Instead of 6mgs per day, I'm now on 3mgs. That's a HUGE milestone. I'm still on 900mgs of lithium and being that it causes a fine tremor in my hands and can be very hard on the kidneys, the eventual goal is to lower that dosage.  The ultimate goal is to possibly wipe out Prozac altogether, definitely ditch the klonopin, and keep the lithium and the lamictal, two "gold standard" drugs for Bipolar that do not have the potential of losing efficacy or the body becoming "immune" to how well they work.

Overall, I'm a far cry from where I was in December and finally under excellent, excellent care. Never believe that there are no good doctors in the military because there sure are a plethora at this base, which is about all I can say for this blasted state.