Better Times Ahead, Feeling Better

Other than the guilt over what I did and what nearly was, I'm feeling better. I have an appointment soon, bright and early this morning, with a counselor who will hopefully provide better coping skills than turning to an overdose.  Let me repeat: This is not something I want to have happen again. One of the most embarrassing things I'm dreading this week? Admitting this to my medication therapist.  When I look back on it all, what was even close to worth it? I know how I felt at that moment, but what in the world led to that point? I really can't excuse myself for that.

"I Choose Joy!"

A very well-meaning, well-intended person, who loves me very much, said she just tells herself, "I Choose Joy!"  If only it were that easy, 1) I'd do it and 2) A lot of psychiatrist/therapists would be out of A LOT of work.  I wish I could wake up every day and say,  "I'm going to be happy today!", "I'm going to choose joy!" But obviously, depression extends from a chemical imbalance, perhaps some damage to the brain in the womb that laid the path to problems down the road. All I do know is that a depressed person, especially a severely depressed on or one in the throws of a serious depressive state (remember, Bipolar is also referred to as manic/depressive), it's lucky when a good regimen of medication(s) is found that helps the cycling stop but to simply wish joy for oneself, that is still the impossible.

This picture was pained by artist Vincent Vangogh, presumable one of his last, thought so because of the very dark colors in the painting. He was only 37 when he died and it seems throughout most of it, he was quite troubled. The Troubled Life Of Vincent Van Gogh   offers a good outlook on this troubled, restless soul who tragically died too young.  I am sure if he could have simply, "chosen joy" he would have. It's great advice for the stable, almost a slap in the face to the imbalanced, because we want to!!!!.....but can't.

My Posting Style and About Me

Some days my posts will be rather organized, rather well-put together. Others, it will flow not so seemlessly, it will seem random bits, put together.

As you look at the picture on the left-hand side of this blog, you may recognize it as being Pablo Picasso's "Weeping Woman". I chose it for this blog not for the title, even though I do cry and weep a lot throughout the day, especially when not in a phase of mania, (which I haven't been for a couple of weeks now) but because it reminds me...of me. It reminds me of this beautiful stained glass picture that's been dropped and put back together all mismatched and wrong. This isn't to say I exactly feel beautiful either, not often any way.