I had an appointment with Dr. G yesterday and when he asked how I felt, I was able to say, "on a more even plain, but not there yet." I do have fewer highs and lows, especially fewer lows, I no longer go around the house crying randomly throughout the day. However, I just don't feel I'm there yet. I shared with him that though I made no real plans, suicidal thoughts often plagued my mind and what scared me most was the thought of not being there for my girls no longer helps me think in a different direction. Having lost my father when I was 5, it has always been important to me, even more so, to be there for my girls, always. My current physician is even beginning cholesterol and heart checks (heart disease is the number one killer of women, especially those predisposed to it) so I'm doing things to make sure I'm here but having thoughts of not wanting to be here.
Dr. G is urging me to see my psychologist, Dr. R and get to the root of why I have these feelings. He suggested it's deep-seeded but right below the surface, something I can discuss with her and find an alternate plan to suicide. He said that he can see huge changes in me just in our few visits, that I'm less rushed in what I say (fewer racing thoughts) and less anxious (inspite of coming off of an anti-anxiety medicine, klonopin). I told him that's a credit to him, for placing me on a "directed course", he said he liked that phrase. That phrase sums him up well. All of my previous psychiatrists have just treated me as a human medicine guinea pig, using only 10 minutes of an hour-long session, tossing out old medications, slinging at me new ones, sometimes just a week or two or a couple days after I had started one. Is it any wonder I was so far off-balance after a YEAR of that? Dr. G takes the entire hour, really gets to the root of how I'm feeling, what my energy levels are like, how day to day life is for me.
For those interested in the medication side because they may be on medication or may be considering medication, here's an update on that. Dr. G dropped my Prozac to 20mg per day but has added in Lamictal and currently has me at 125mgs per day, tapering up to 200-225mgs for the maximum therapuetic benefits. I am still weaning off of klonopin, a very difficult drug to come off of. Instead of 6mgs per day, I'm now on 3mgs. That's a HUGE milestone. I'm still on 900mgs of lithium and being that it causes a fine tremor in my hands and can be very hard on the kidneys, the eventual goal is to lower that dosage. The ultimate goal is to possibly wipe out Prozac altogether, definitely ditch the klonopin, and keep the lithium and the lamictal, two "gold standard" drugs for Bipolar that do not have the potential of losing efficacy or the body becoming "immune" to how well they work.
Overall, I'm a far cry from where I was in December and finally under excellent, excellent care. Never believe that there are no good doctors in the military because there sure are a plethora at this base, which is about all I can say for this blasted state.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Roller Coaster of Meds
It's been a while since I've blogged, which, overall, shows good progress for me. I still feel "down", more apathetic than anything, but Dr. G. and I are working on that. We recently tried Abilify, which I'd been on before and couldn't place why I quit taking it. It wasn't too long into taking it that I remembered. It made me feel disconnected, disassociated with life. It was if everything was a movie happening in front of me. As the dosage went up, this worsened, as did hand tremors. I discontinued use and within 36 to 48 hours, I was feeling okay again, at least back to where I was before I started Abilify which given how I had been feeling, felt pretty good. Now I'm going to be trying Lamictal, a drug that does the same thing but is in a different class than Abilify, it's actually an anti-seizure medicine (with a long list of possible dangerous side effects, but in studies, these people were on excessively high doses, nothing that would be therapuetic for Bipolar disorder).
The fact I could not remember why I discontinued Abilify or Lamictal for that matter, before, is precisely why I encourage keeping a drug journal, logging each one, and its' effect(s) on you. While some jump right out at me, like Wellbutrin, Effexor, Seroquel, and Trazadone, others slip by me, like Abilify and Lamictal. Others I've probably plain forgoten I ever took them.
Good news, though. I am on 1/3 less klonopin than I was when I started with Dr. G. not so long ago. He even commented on how much calmer I was than the first visit, inspite of the lowered dosage of an anti-anxiety medicine. After a week on Lamictal, we are headed cautiously down again. This is a very difficult drug to "detox" from and while Dr. G. would like me to be on .5 mgs, he wants me to feel well and function and will base final dosage on that, not on where he'd prefer I'd be. I'm still amazed with all the doctors I had, no one told me klonopin has the exact same effects on the brain as does alcohol. That is stunning to me, both that the medicine has that effect and that no one bothered to tell me.
Dr. G. asked me if I had hope yesterday, if I felt like the treatment was going somewhere. It felt so good to finally say, "yes". I said that even if it's six months down the road, I have confidence in you (Dr. G.) and confidence that I'm finally headed in the right direction and at least not on a total roller coaster of meds being changed out every week to two weeks, instead on a path to stability and sanity.
I hope all of you that need it, are finding the help that will get you to where you need to be. I hope the rest of my readers stay well and happy. More and more, while I'm convinced there are triggers for mental disorders (nurture/environment), I am convinced it is nature (genetics) that plays the largest role in determing who will fall prey to a mental disorder. I am thankful treatments are continuing to improve by leaps and bounds and the social stigma is less than it was even only 10 years ago.
---Jane
The fact I could not remember why I discontinued Abilify or Lamictal for that matter, before, is precisely why I encourage keeping a drug journal, logging each one, and its' effect(s) on you. While some jump right out at me, like Wellbutrin, Effexor, Seroquel, and Trazadone, others slip by me, like Abilify and Lamictal. Others I've probably plain forgoten I ever took them.
Good news, though. I am on 1/3 less klonopin than I was when I started with Dr. G. not so long ago. He even commented on how much calmer I was than the first visit, inspite of the lowered dosage of an anti-anxiety medicine. After a week on Lamictal, we are headed cautiously down again. This is a very difficult drug to "detox" from and while Dr. G. would like me to be on .5 mgs, he wants me to feel well and function and will base final dosage on that, not on where he'd prefer I'd be. I'm still amazed with all the doctors I had, no one told me klonopin has the exact same effects on the brain as does alcohol. That is stunning to me, both that the medicine has that effect and that no one bothered to tell me.
Dr. G. asked me if I had hope yesterday, if I felt like the treatment was going somewhere. It felt so good to finally say, "yes". I said that even if it's six months down the road, I have confidence in you (Dr. G.) and confidence that I'm finally headed in the right direction and at least not on a total roller coaster of meds being changed out every week to two weeks, instead on a path to stability and sanity.
I hope all of you that need it, are finding the help that will get you to where you need to be. I hope the rest of my readers stay well and happy. More and more, while I'm convinced there are triggers for mental disorders (nurture/environment), I am convinced it is nature (genetics) that plays the largest role in determing who will fall prey to a mental disorder. I am thankful treatments are continuing to improve by leaps and bounds and the social stigma is less than it was even only 10 years ago.
---Jane
Friday, May 21, 2010
Really Kind of Bummed...But Feeling Better
Overall, I am feeling much better. I am happy, excited, filled with some hope. I am re-starting college to finish my B.A. and then I plan to move on to my master's. That gives me the feeling of empowerment, of being able to take my life any direction I want, save for one problem.
I want my master's and PhD to reflect something in the area of Behavioral Science or Forensic Psychology because I want to work for law enforcement or the FBI in those areas, studying and profiling criminal behavior. I'm disheartened because I think due to my bipolar and suicide attempts, no one will ever hire me, so my hopes are dashed.
I did learn something about the FBI this week. Only 1/3 of all agents are "Special Agents", the ones requiring a four year degree and three years professional work (as in waaay professional, not even as "just" a beat cop!). But to be a non-agent, the requirements aren't as stringent. I hope to go to an information session on base, held and given by the FBI, and come out with more information. To be a "Special Agent" one of the best jobs you can do is Naval Intelligence. Hey, that would pay off my undergrad, my grad school, and give me awesome benefits (and the family) and set me up for a job with law enforcement, FBI, even a U.S. Marshall. Hubby says he can't see someone my petite size doing that kind of job. LOL.
Who knows where I'll be in four years? But it will be further along than I am now.
I want my master's and PhD to reflect something in the area of Behavioral Science or Forensic Psychology because I want to work for law enforcement or the FBI in those areas, studying and profiling criminal behavior. I'm disheartened because I think due to my bipolar and suicide attempts, no one will ever hire me, so my hopes are dashed.
I did learn something about the FBI this week. Only 1/3 of all agents are "Special Agents", the ones requiring a four year degree and three years professional work (as in waaay professional, not even as "just" a beat cop!). But to be a non-agent, the requirements aren't as stringent. I hope to go to an information session on base, held and given by the FBI, and come out with more information. To be a "Special Agent" one of the best jobs you can do is Naval Intelligence. Hey, that would pay off my undergrad, my grad school, and give me awesome benefits (and the family) and set me up for a job with law enforcement, FBI, even a U.S. Marshall. Hubby says he can't see someone my petite size doing that kind of job. LOL.
Who knows where I'll be in four years? But it will be further along than I am now.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dr. G.
Dr. G., no, not the Dr. G. of cable television, but Dr. G. is my new psychiatrist. I am incredibly impressed, talk about a change-over and total turn around from a judgmental, withdrawn, and quiet former therapist (the one who told me God was punishing me and gave kudos on my non-needed weightloss). To kind of give an impression of him, think of a younger "Ben" from the television series Lost.
Dr. G. is inviting and comfortable in his setting. He makes me at ease he's so at ease. He curls his feet into his chair when he becomes introspective, when he's deciding the best course for me. He agrees that lithium is the gold-standard for bipolar disorder. He agrees with the dosage of Prozac at 30mgs but doesn't want to go any higher, instead wants to add very small increments of Abilify to help with the depressive side of my disorder. He's so conservative, he's starting me at 2mgs and hoping for a range of 5 to 10mgs, with 5 being ideal. He says he is always conservative with what he prescribes. As for the klonipin, I knew I was on an extremely high dose of that, the highest recommended, in fact. Dr. G. was floored that so many therapists kept me on such a high level. He was further shocked that anyone, particularly someone "my size" could function, even walk straight on that high of a dose. He wants me to come way down but we have to do it slowly, one pill ever ten to fourteen days, because it's a very dangerous drug to quit suddenly. He said klonipin has the same effects on the brain that alcohol does!
I feel very safe in his care, very assured that he actually cares (over the one who openly professed to be a Christian, isn't that a shame?)/ In fact, I get the overwhelming sense that everyone at that center cares about me, to the point it brings tears to my eyes. They really care that I live and live well! I will see him again in two weeks with hopefully more good things to report. I just cannot under-state how much it touches me, how deeply, that this group of people aren't just there because it's their job, but give me the sense they care, really care.
**Note- All Anti-depressants such as Prozac, etc carry the risk of swinging a bipolar patient into a manic episode, some more than others, but all pose this risk. Hence the reason to keep Prozac at 30mgs and not 80mgs and try other options not likely to send me into a manic state but also to keep me out of a depressive state (bipolar is the same as manic-depressive but is not related to schizophrenia.)
Dr. G. is inviting and comfortable in his setting. He makes me at ease he's so at ease. He curls his feet into his chair when he becomes introspective, when he's deciding the best course for me. He agrees that lithium is the gold-standard for bipolar disorder. He agrees with the dosage of Prozac at 30mgs but doesn't want to go any higher, instead wants to add very small increments of Abilify to help with the depressive side of my disorder. He's so conservative, he's starting me at 2mgs and hoping for a range of 5 to 10mgs, with 5 being ideal. He says he is always conservative with what he prescribes. As for the klonipin, I knew I was on an extremely high dose of that, the highest recommended, in fact. Dr. G. was floored that so many therapists kept me on such a high level. He was further shocked that anyone, particularly someone "my size" could function, even walk straight on that high of a dose. He wants me to come way down but we have to do it slowly, one pill ever ten to fourteen days, because it's a very dangerous drug to quit suddenly. He said klonipin has the same effects on the brain that alcohol does!
I feel very safe in his care, very assured that he actually cares (over the one who openly professed to be a Christian, isn't that a shame?)/ In fact, I get the overwhelming sense that everyone at that center cares about me, to the point it brings tears to my eyes. They really care that I live and live well! I will see him again in two weeks with hopefully more good things to report. I just cannot under-state how much it touches me, how deeply, that this group of people aren't just there because it's their job, but give me the sense they care, really care.
**Note- All Anti-depressants such as Prozac, etc carry the risk of swinging a bipolar patient into a manic episode, some more than others, but all pose this risk. Hence the reason to keep Prozac at 30mgs and not 80mgs and try other options not likely to send me into a manic state but also to keep me out of a depressive state (bipolar is the same as manic-depressive but is not related to schizophrenia.)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"God Saved You For A Reason."
....Those are the words the nurse pushing me out to the car in the wheelchair said to me. "God saved you for a reason and it was for taking care of those babies of yours and more." Those words resonate with me. I don't know if I am sure it was God who saved me, I am actually highly inclined to believe He did, but those words have stuck thickly in my brain. I am also inclined, on my logical, analytical side to reason out that it was dosage, metabolism, food consumption, weight, and time of intervention that prevented the ruining of my kidneys and liver or death.
What I do know is that there is a firm plan of action in place now. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist who are both quite near me and work in the same building and will be able to work in concert for my betterment. This therapist has several immediate members of her family who are bipolar, something I almost want to believe was set just for me, here I am, bordering on believing in fate and/or divine intervention. Problems at home I am sure will diffuse. Mr. Jane has already been helping more, has talked through with me what my stresses are, has work involvement to help with counseling to make us a strong, united front. So I have help and we have help, and the best of marriages can benefit from some good counseling, this is a great thing. Other things have been owned up to, I hope they hold true and that this house is a quieter, more peaceful place. I hope I get back on track to be the mother and wife I need to and can be, and even better. And lastly, with all these...blessings?...coming through, I ask for one more....that I get full funding for college in the switched/new major I've chosen. I have new hope with that field.
Though there have been tense times, I thank my husband for standing by me through my suicide attemptS (this last one was only the most real and serious..and the last) and my ups and downs with my moods...but then again, I've dealt with his too (slight joke). It takes a lot of love to stay with someone through all of that. That's another realization of this week, that inspite of it all, it takes a lot of love to stand by someone with what he's stood by me through.
So...God saved me for a reason...bring it on and THANK YOU!
What I do know is that there is a firm plan of action in place now. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist who are both quite near me and work in the same building and will be able to work in concert for my betterment. This therapist has several immediate members of her family who are bipolar, something I almost want to believe was set just for me, here I am, bordering on believing in fate and/or divine intervention. Problems at home I am sure will diffuse. Mr. Jane has already been helping more, has talked through with me what my stresses are, has work involvement to help with counseling to make us a strong, united front. So I have help and we have help, and the best of marriages can benefit from some good counseling, this is a great thing. Other things have been owned up to, I hope they hold true and that this house is a quieter, more peaceful place. I hope I get back on track to be the mother and wife I need to and can be, and even better. And lastly, with all these...blessings?...coming through, I ask for one more....that I get full funding for college in the switched/new major I've chosen. I have new hope with that field.
Though there have been tense times, I thank my husband for standing by me through my suicide attemptS (this last one was only the most real and serious..and the last) and my ups and downs with my moods...but then again, I've dealt with his too (slight joke). It takes a lot of love to stay with someone through all of that. That's another realization of this week, that inspite of it all, it takes a lot of love to stand by someone with what he's stood by me through.
So...God saved me for a reason...bring it on and THANK YOU!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Better Times Ahead, Feeling Better
Other than the guilt over what I did and what nearly was, I'm feeling better. I have an appointment soon, bright and early this morning, with a counselor who will hopefully provide better coping skills than turning to an overdose. Let me repeat: This is not something I want to have happen again. One of the most embarrassing things I'm dreading this week? Admitting this to my medication therapist. When I look back on it all, what was even close to worth it? I know how I felt at that moment, but what in the world led to that point? I really can't excuse myself for that.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Yes, I Selfishly Almost Died This Weekend.
Friday night I willingly committed a selfish act for which there is no excuse. Stress, yelling, false accusations, horrible words, none of it excuses my selfish actions that almost took me from my beautiful children and from everyone else that cares about me in this life.
I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.
No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.
It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.
Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.
To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.
The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:
The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung
Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden
But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")
To my family, I love you.
I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....
I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.
No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.
It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.
Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.
To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.
The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:
The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung
Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden
But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")
To my family, I love you.
I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
