Madder than Hell and Ready to Spit Fire!

Watching Dr. Phil, I saw the angering story of Tiffany Tehan, the "missing" Ohio mom found with her lover in Florida. She just stated on Dr. Phil that she had no concern for her 13 month old BABY,  her CHILD, because she knew her husband, whom she was also running from, was a good care provider.

This boggles the mind! I can understand moms like Andrea Yates, whom I believe are actually mentally disturbed, doing something unfathomable (well, I can't understand but can accept it more) but a woman who admittedly was married to a good man, first leaving her husband but most importantly, leaving her child and having NO CONCERN? No mental illness to report of, just off living her own selfish life. I dubb her a sociopath because cares about no one's happiness but her own.

As someone who fights mental illness while juggling toddlers, I am sickened by this woman. You DO NOT just abandon your responsibilities and up and go. SHAME, SHAME on you, Tiffany Tehan. Waaaa she says she was crying the day they left. Not enough to whoop it up from Ohio to Florida for five days. Dr. Phil asked her if she's emotionally compromised, she said she doesn't think so but is willing to be evaluated. YES, Dr. Phil, she IS emotionally compromised but not by post partum depression like you suggested, or any other "typical" disorder we hear about. No, you fall in the lines of depraved and selfish. SHAME on you. Your parental rights SHOULD be revoked until a serious evaluation is completed and some serious counseling and effort on your part is shown. Until then, like the site, "People You'll See in Hell" asks, does this person belong in hell, the answer is YES, resoundlingly YES and perhaps your daughter is LUCKY about the decision you made.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20003164-504083.html

Nothin' Good To Report

I'm sorry to say, I have nothing good to report. I can think of a list of good things in my life, then I can think of a list of bad or frustrating things and either because it actually does or because my perception is skewed, the bad or "negative" tips the scale in the downward direction.  There are times I'd like to drink myself into a blue haze, but that's neither helpful nor practical. Remember, feeling like doing something and actually following through are two different things. I have also found myself too many times this week and last contemplating how many pills it would take to end it all. Yes, life is that hopeless, even with the beauty of the children I have in it.  By the way, for anyone reading this and considering suicide by pills, it's not an easy way to go. First, you have to take enough which turns out to be A LOT. Second, you don't go easily, drifting off into a peaceful sleep. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you struggle to breathe, even as you may be losing consciousness, or god forbid, you're fully aware of the entire process. Not a great prospect and ultimately, not the end I want to acheive. Remember thoughts may indicate you need help but do not indicate you would act on them.

Just Can't Distinguish....

It's been a while since I've posted. Generally, you can assume I'm doing well when I don't post, I'm in a state of eveness, not a pattern of mania or depression. These last several days though, have given me pause and I just cannot distinguish if I'm having "normal" "down" mom days, what's normal for a mom of two toddlers who rarely gets out of the house and has zero social interaction OR if it's that I'm falling off of the precipice again, into depression. As I type this, it occurs to me that likely the two are interrealted and go hand-in-hand. I'm considering calling my therapist on Monday and looking into increasing my Prozac dose, something we were going to look at in our next session any way. 

If someone could cure depression, imagine the millions they would make, imagine the lives they would improve, imagine the families they would save and heal, imagine the lives they would say. My skeptical side says the  FDA would never approve such a drug because of the trillions that the drug companies and government would lose out on. I'm just thankful that at most, I have to pay a co-pay of $22 and knowing that some months that's a tight fit into a budget, I can only imagine what it's like for the person that must pay hundreds for any medication and cannot have their cure or at least the aid they need to function in a normal and healthy fashion.

This post  sort of derailed but I suppose it's not useless fodder.

Oh be careful what you say...

I saw my therapist last Thursday and I commented that despite the lithium, a known weight gain causing drug, I had gone from 130 (within the healthy BMI range for me) to 117, most of that being in the last month.  He said, "well, that's good."  Now, he says this knowing I have been diagnosed as borderline anorexic and with body dysmorphic disorder. To me, that's like saying, "Go ahead, it's okay to lose another 17 lbs". Well, Mr. Therapist, I've lost one since our meeting last Thursday.  Where is your head? I can only imagine not in your notes.

Today has been an eh-blah-okay day, I think that's more related to the day than the bipolar. Just one of those "blah" days you wish would hurry up and end.

You can never be too rich or too thin.....

Not Exactly Happy, But Oh-So Much Better

I'd call my current state an apathetic calm.  I can laugh and do, but mainly I go through the day feeling calm (not sedated) and at peace, which at least is a far call from crying and thinking, "save for my little ones, I'd kill myself now to escape whatever this is that's happening to me."  By far and large, not fully understanding the disorder, especially what sets off a manic or depressive episode, is the most frustrating.

The MayoClinic.com states, Although bipolar disorder is a disruptive, long-term condition, you can keep your moods in check by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder can be controlled with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy). I laugh at the term "disruptive", that is by far an understatement. Also frustrating is the long-term (it should read life-long) nature of this disorder.  Another frustration is, Mood shifts may only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time (MayoClinic.com). If you allow it, it can become like waiting for a bomb to explode or the other proverbial shoe to drop.

So how did I live the last 10 years of my life diagnosed with depression, but not bipolar? Well, likely it was a combination of things. For me, "depression" (more so 10 years ago) had a stigma behind it but bipolar meant you were just freakin' nuts! So I never read about the disorder, never caught the symptoms. I also was very good at fooling my therapists. No more. I'm dead-open honest. It was just one little thing that Mr. Jane said a year ago that recently triggered in me, "what is wrong with me?", "why do I behave this way (manic) at times?"  That set off the research, which I reported to my new therapist when we moved, and here I am, in a bipolar world. From what I've read, 10 years is actually the normal span for people to live with bipolar and not know it.

MayoClinic.com gives a number of causes for bipolar (Biological differences, Neurotransmitters, Hormones, Inherited Traits, and Environment) but I believe it is a combination of three main factors: changes to the brain in utero, Inherited Traits, and Environment.  So that means I've always had bipolar, it just didn't emerge until I was 20 (though I was depressed before that) and didn't really "trigger" until my early to mid-20's, the main time for the disorder to present itself.   Figuring out the triggers, that's more difficult. That can range from stress to any number of things. But why couldn't it have just laid dormant in me? I suppose when medical science figures that one out, the pharmaceutical companies will be filling their coffers...more.




*To get a good visual of the manic and depressive phases of bipolar, I recommend you check out Manic-Depressive Scale and Symptoms

Not much to report...a good thing!

I don't have much to report, I'm really in a passive and calm state (and with two toddlers and a husband, that's not small feat!). I don't know if it's a combination of the Prozac and a passing of the depressive state  or if it can solely be attributed to the Prozac.  Either way, I'm not in the miserable state I've been in for weeks. I hope it continues but the more peaceful and at ease I feel, the less worried I become about falling off that edge. I hope that doesn't mean when a depressive state comes again, because I'm sure even with meds, it will (the research bares it out), I am not so surprised that I really go over the edge from the stark change between calm and peaceful and feeling like life should end.

Feeling "Normal"

Whatever "normal" is, I am finally feeling it! I suppose after this long run of depression and crying, that's cause for celebration! No more feelings of desperation, no thoughts of suicide, and no random bouts of crying. I feel calmer and more at peace each and every day. I can only attribute it to the Prozac (along with the other medications), which I hope continues to help me feel further and further away from that precipice I mentioned in my last post.  I'm also losing the fear of the depression returning and focusing on feeling "normal". Next step I hope is feeling GOOD. One step at a time.....

Lotus Flower