MomFractured

Progress in slow steps....

2010-07-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with Dr. G yesterday and when he asked how I felt, I was able to say, "on a more even plain, but not there yet." I do have fewer highs and lows, especially fewer lows, I no longer go around the house crying randomly throughout the day. However, I just don't feel I'm there yet. I shared with him that though I made no real plans, suicidal thoughts often plagued my mind and what scared me most was the thought of not being there for my girls no longer helps me think in a different direction. Having lost my father when I was 5, it has always been important to me, even more so, to be there for my girls, always. My current physician is even beginning cholesterol and heart checks (heart disease is the number one killer of women, especially those predisposed to it) so I'm doing things to make sure I'm here but having thoughts of not wanting to be here.

Dr. G is urging me to see my psychologist, Dr. R and get to the root of why I have these feelings. He suggested it's deep-seeded but right below the surface, something I can discuss with her and find an alternate plan to suicide. He said that he can see huge changes in me just in our few visits, that I'm less rushed in what I say (fewer racing thoughts) and less anxious (inspite of coming off of an anti-anxiety medicine, klonopin). I told him that's a credit to him, for placing me on a "directed course", he said he liked that phrase. That phrase sums him up well. All of my previous psychiatrists have just treated me as a human medicine guinea pig, using only 10 minutes of an hour-long session, tossing out old medications, slinging at me new ones, sometimes just a week or two or a couple days after I had started one. Is it any wonder I was so far off-balance after a YEAR of that? Dr. G takes the entire hour, really gets to the root of how I'm feeling, what my energy levels are like, how day to day life is for me.

For those interested in the medication side because they may be on medication or may be considering medication, here's an update on that. Dr. G dropped my Prozac to 20mg per day but has added in Lamictal and currently has me at 125mgs per day, tapering up to 200-225mgs for the maximum therapuetic benefits. I am still weaning off of klonopin, a very difficult drug to come off of. Instead of 6mgs per day, I'm now on 3mgs. That's a HUGE milestone. I'm still on 900mgs of lithium and being that it causes a fine tremor in my hands and can be very hard on the kidneys, the eventual goal is to lower that dosage. The ultimate goal is to possibly wipe out Prozac altogether, definitely ditch the klonopin, and keep the lithium and the lamictal, two "gold standard" drugs for Bipolar that do not have the potential of losing efficacy or the body becoming "immune" to how well they work.

Overall, I'm a far cry from where I was in December and finally under excellent, excellent care. Never believe that there are no good doctors in the military because there sure are a plethora at this base, which is about all I can say for this blasted state.

The Roller Coaster of Meds

2010-06-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, which, overall, shows good progress for me. I still feel "down", more apathetic than anything, but Dr. G. and I are working on that. We recently tried Abilify, which I'd been on before and couldn't place why I quit taking it. It wasn't too long into taking it that I remembered. It made me feel disconnected, disassociated with life. It was if everything was a movie happening in front of me. As the dosage went up, this worsened, as did hand tremors. I discontinued use and within 36 to 48 hours, I was feeling okay again, at least back to where I was before I started Abilify which given how I had been feeling, felt pretty good. Now I'm going to be trying Lamictal, a drug that does the same thing but is in a different class than Abilify, it's actually an anti-seizure medicine (with a long list of possible dangerous side effects, but in studies, these people were on excessively high doses, nothing that would be therapuetic for Bipolar disorder).

The fact I could not remember why I discontinued Abilify or Lamictal for that matter, before, is precisely why I encourage keeping a drug journal, logging each one, and its' effect(s) on you. While some jump right out at me, like Wellbutrin, Effexor, Seroquel, and Trazadone, others slip by me, like Abilify and Lamictal. Others I've probably plain forgoten I ever took them.

Good news, though. I am on 1/3 less klonopin than I was when I started with Dr. G. not so long ago. He even commented on how much calmer I was than the first visit, inspite of the lowered dosage of an anti-anxiety medicine. After a week on Lamictal, we are headed cautiously down again. This is a very difficult drug to "detox" from and while Dr. G. would like me to be on .5 mgs, he wants me to feel well and function and will base final dosage on that, not on where he'd prefer I'd be. I'm still amazed with all the doctors I had, no one told me klonopin has the exact same effects on the brain as does alcohol. That is stunning to me, both that the medicine has that effect and that no one bothered to tell me.

Dr. G. asked me if I had hope yesterday, if I felt like the treatment was going somewhere. It felt so good to finally say, "yes". I said that even if it's six months down the road, I have confidence in you (Dr. G.) and confidence that I'm finally headed in the right direction and at least not on a total roller coaster of meds being changed out every week to two weeks, instead on a path to stability and sanity.

I hope all of you that need it, are finding the help that will get you to where you need to be. I hope the rest of my readers stay well and happy. More and more, while I'm convinced there are triggers for mental disorders (nurture/environment), I am convinced it is nature (genetics) that plays the largest role in determing who will fall prey to a mental disorder. I am thankful treatments are continuing to improve by leaps and bounds and the social stigma is less than it was even only 10 years ago.

---Jane

Really Kind of Bummed...But Feeling Better

2010-05-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Overall, I am feeling much better. I am happy, excited, filled with some hope. I am re-starting college to finish my B.A. and then I plan to move on to my master's. That gives me the feeling of empowerment, of being able to take my life any direction I want, save for one problem.

I want my master's and PhD to reflect something in the area of Behavioral Science or Forensic Psychology because I want to work for law enforcement or the FBI in those areas, studying and profiling criminal behavior. I'm disheartened because I think due to my bipolar and suicide attempts, no one will ever hire me, so my hopes are dashed.

I did learn something about the FBI this week. Only 1/3 of all agents are "Special Agents", the ones requiring a four year degree and three years professional work (as in waaay professional, not even as "just" a beat cop!). But to be a non-agent, the requirements aren't as stringent. I hope to go to an information session on base, held and given by the FBI, and come out with more information. To be a "Special Agent" one of the best jobs you can do is Naval Intelligence. Hey, that would pay off my undergrad, my grad school, and give me awesome benefits (and the family) and set me up for a job with law enforcement, FBI, even a U.S. Marshall. Hubby says he can't see someone my petite size doing that kind of job. LOL.

Who knows where I'll be in four years? But it will be further along than I am now.

Dr. G.

2010-05-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dr. G., no, not the Dr. G. of cable television, but Dr. G. is my new psychiatrist. I am incredibly impressed, talk about a change-over and total turn around from a judgmental, withdrawn, and quiet former therapist (the one who told me God was punishing me and gave kudos on my non-needed weightloss). To kind of give an impression of him, think of a younger "Ben" from the television series Lost.

Dr. G. is inviting and comfortable in his setting. He makes me at ease he's so at ease. He curls his feet into his chair when he becomes introspective, when he's deciding the best course for me. He agrees that lithium is the gold-standard for bipolar disorder. He agrees with the dosage of Prozac at 30mgs but doesn't want to go any higher, instead wants to add very small increments of Abilify to help with the depressive side of my disorder. He's so conservative, he's starting me at 2mgs and hoping for a range of 5 to 10mgs, with 5 being ideal. He says he is always conservative with what he prescribes. As for the klonipin, I knew I was on an extremely high dose of that, the highest recommended, in fact. Dr. G. was floored that so many therapists kept me on such a high level. He was further shocked that anyone, particularly someone "my size" could function, even walk straight on that high of a dose. He wants me to come way down but we have to do it slowly, one pill ever ten to fourteen days, because it's a very dangerous drug to quit suddenly. He said klonipin has the same effects on the brain that alcohol does!

I feel very safe in his care, very assured that he actually cares (over the one who openly professed to be a Christian, isn't that a shame?)/ In fact, I get the overwhelming sense that everyone at that center cares about me, to the point it brings tears to my eyes. They really care that I live and live well! I will see him again in two weeks with hopefully more good things to report. I just cannot under-state how much it touches me, how deeply, that this group of people aren't just there because it's their job, but give me the sense they care, really care.

**Note- All Anti-depressants such as Prozac, etc carry the risk of swinging a bipolar patient into a manic episode, some more than others, but all pose this risk. Hence the reason to keep Prozac at 30mgs and not 80mgs and try other options not likely to send me into a manic state but also to keep me out of a depressive state (bipolar is the same as manic-depressive but is not related to schizophrenia.)

"God Saved You For A Reason."

2010-05-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

....Those are the words the nurse pushing me out to the car in the wheelchair said to me. "God saved you for a reason and it was for taking care of those babies of yours and more." Those words resonate with me. I don't know if I am sure it was God who saved me, I am actually highly inclined to believe He did, but those words have stuck thickly in my brain. I am also inclined, on my logical, analytical side to reason out that it was dosage, metabolism, food consumption, weight, and time of intervention that prevented the ruining of my kidneys and liver or death.

What I do know is that there is a firm plan of action in place now. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist who are both quite near me and work in the same building and will be able to work in concert for my betterment. This therapist has several immediate members of her family who are bipolar, something I almost want to believe was set just for me, here I am, bordering on believing in fate and/or divine intervention. Problems at home I am sure will diffuse. Mr. Jane has already been helping more, has talked through with me what my stresses are, has work involvement to help with counseling to make us a strong, united front. So I have help and we have help, and the best of marriages can benefit from some good counseling, this is a great thing. Other things have been owned up to, I hope they hold true and that this house is a quieter, more peaceful place. I hope I get back on track to be the mother and wife I need to and can be, and even better. And lastly, with all these...blessings?...coming through, I ask for one more....that I get full funding for college in the switched/new major I've chosen. I have new hope with that field.

Though there have been tense times, I thank my husband for standing by me through my suicide attemptS (this last one was only the most real and serious..and the last) and my ups and downs with my moods...but then again, I've dealt with his too (slight joke). It takes a lot of love to stay with someone through all of that. That's another realization of this week, that inspite of it all, it takes a lot of love to stand by someone with what he's stood by me through.

So...God saved me for a reason...bring it on and THANK YOU!

Better Times Ahead, Feeling Better

2010-05-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

Other than the guilt over what I did and what nearly was, I'm feeling better. I have an appointment soon, bright and early this morning, with a counselor who will hopefully provide better coping skills than turning to an overdose. Let me repeat: This is not something I want to have happen again. One of the most embarrassing things I'm dreading this week? Admitting this to my medication therapist. When I look back on it all, what was even close to worth it? I know how I felt at that moment, but what in the world led to that point? I really can't excuse myself for that.

Yes, I Selfishly Almost Died This Weekend.

2010-05-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Friday night I willingly committed a selfish act for which there is no excuse. Stress, yelling, false accusations, horrible words, none of it excuses my selfish actions that almost took me from my beautiful children and from everyone else that cares about me in this life.

I ingested 18 klonopin tablets and 9 lithium. So much lithium, that I was at "dagerously toxic levels" and had I chosen to ingest much more, would have been at "super toxic levels", leading to death, seizures, or permanent ruining of my kidneys requiring dialysis and destruction of my liver.

No matter what is going on in my home, nothing can excuse what I did.

It's not something I plan on doing again, I already have a strong line of counseling lined up for Monday morning, bright and early, at 7:30am.

Does God forgive such selfish bitches as myself? Why couldn't I just tune out what was going on and being said and let it go? What was said is not the reason or excuse for my actions. I and I alone am solely responsible for that and now I have to carry the weight of that.

To those I love, friends, and family, I am sorry I'm such a flawed person and that I would take such action, such a selfish action.

The life I live, and I write this with risk, some may consider a life of some torture being involved in. In all of this I have to find a way to cope. I want to be happy and I want a happy, healthy family. Something to muse over:

The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. Carl Jung

Evil is always unspectacular and always human. And shares our bed...and eats at our table. W.H. Auden

But always, no matter what is done to you, what happens to you, maybe even what position(s) you place yourself into,:

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius (Similar to, "If you scatter thorns, becareful when you walk barefoot")

To my family, I love you.

I know to some, the last bits of this will be Greek, to others it will resonate and make things all the more clear. Just always remember whom I laid the blame with for this action.....

Madder than Hell and Ready to Spit Fire!

2010-05-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Watching Dr. Phil, I saw the angering story of Tiffany Tehan, the "missing" Ohio mom found with her lover in Florida. She just stated on Dr. Phil that she had no concern for her 13 month old BABY, her CHILD, because she knew her husband, whom she was also running from, was a good care provider.

This boggles the mind! I can understand moms like Andrea Yates, whom I believe are actually mentally disturbed, doing something unfathomable (well, I can't understand but can accept it more) but a woman who admittedly was married to a good man, first leaving her husband but most importantly, leaving her child and having NO CONCERN? No mental illness to report of, just off living her own selfish life. I dubb her a sociopath because cares about no one's happiness but her own.

As someone who fights mental illness while juggling toddlers, I am sickened by this woman. You DO NOT just abandon your responsibilities and up and go. SHAME, SHAME on you, Tiffany Tehan. Waaaa she says she was crying the day they left. Not enough to whoop it up from Ohio to Florida for five days. Dr. Phil asked her if she's emotionally compromised, she said she doesn't think so but is willing to be evaluated. YES, Dr. Phil, she IS emotionally compromised but not by post partum depression like you suggested, or any other "typical" disorder we hear about. No, you fall in the lines of depraved and selfish. SHAME on you. Your parental rights SHOULD be revoked until a serious evaluation is completed and some serious counseling and effort on your part is shown. Until then, like the site, "People You'll See in Hell" asks, does this person belong in hell, the answer is YES, resoundlingly YES and perhaps your daughter is LUCKY about the decision you made.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20003164-504083.html

Nothin' Good To Report

2010-05-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to say, I have nothing good to report. I can think of a list of good things in my life, then I can think of a list of bad or frustrating things and either because it actually does or because my perception is skewed, the bad or "negative" tips the scale in the downward direction. There are times I'd like to drink myself into a blue haze, but that's neither helpful nor practical. Remember, feeling like doing something and actually following through are two different things. I have also found myself too many times this week and last contemplating how many pills it would take to end it all. Yes, life is that hopeless, even with the beauty of the children I have in it. By the way, for anyone reading this and considering suicide by pills, it's not an easy way to go. First, you have to take enough which turns out to be A LOT. Second, you don't go easily, drifting off into a peaceful sleep. Your respiratory system starts to shut down and you struggle to breathe, even as you may be losing consciousness, or god forbid, you're fully aware of the entire process. Not a great prospect and ultimately, not the end I want to acheive. Remember thoughts may indicate you need help but do not indicate you would act on them.

I haven't seen my therapist again yet, although I do soon. I called him earlier this week because my "funk" from last week persisted. He upped my Prozac dosage from 20 mgs to 30 mgs so maybe this will help. We had discussed initially reaching a 40 mgs dose to be the most therapeutically effective, so while it's sad I need to increase, it also isn't an awful thing, though it does give rise to concerns that Prozac will turn out to be another medicine that just doesn't work for me. I've been through so many over the course of the last 10 years, I don't even remember all of them.

I can say that the isolation I feel is catching up with me with a vengeance. I stay at home all day with my two toddlers and either because of their age and their need, their drive to test limits, or because I'm tired of it (being a sahm) or a combination of that with the Bipolar thrown in, I'm ready to throw in the towel and send them to day care. On the other hand, I can't imagine them not being with me on a daily basis but my nerves are frayed. We have no playgroups to go to, no activities to get involved in. In fact, ever since I married five years ago, I've been pretty much a soical recluse. (I am not blaming anyone for this, for those reading). Socially isolated, I'm expected contacts on the Internet ought to be enough. It may be the dream life for some, but I've always been a social bird, it's killing parts of my soul little by little and causing me to go insane. How much can one take?

To read this, you'd think there are no positives in my life, but I assure you, there are. This blogs is a means of venting my frustrations, my real feelings. While I'm discussing real feelings, I have to add I feel I live under a microscope and despite all I do, I have the rights of a teenager in this house. If that sentence gets me in trouble, so be it, it's the truth. (The other half is the many wonderful things that person selflessly does for me.) Do they counter-act each other? I don't know. I just know I want to get stable and I know that people with Bipolar CAN get and STAY stable for YEARS! I also know that Bipolar people tend to have the highest rates of suicide of any other depressive group, so I am always mindful of that. I have people that love and need me, I have an exciting, uncharted, unmapped road ahead to journey that can lead where I direct it. I can empower myself more and take more control, do more. That will be my goal of focus. As Dr. Seuss said, "Kid, you'll move mountains, 98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!".

Mahalo

Just Can't Distinguish....

2010-05-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Generally, you can assume I'm doing well when I don't post, I'm in a state of eveness, not a pattern of mania or depression. These last several days though, have given me pause and I just cannot distinguish if I'm having "normal" "down" mom days, what's normal for a mom of two toddlers who rarely gets out of the house and has zero social interaction OR if it's that I'm falling off of the precipice again, into depression. As I type this, it occurs to me that likely the two are interrealted and go hand-in-hand. I'm considering calling my therapist on Monday and looking into increasing my Prozac dose, something we were going to look at in our next session any way.

If someone could cure depression, imagine the millions they would make, imagine the lives they would improve, imagine the families they would save and heal, imagine the lives they would say. My skeptical side says the FDA would never approve such a drug because of the trillions that the drug companies and government would lose out on. I'm just thankful that at most, I have to pay a co-pay of $22 and knowing that some months that's a tight fit into a budget, I can only imagine what it's like for the person that must pay hundreds for any medication and cannot have their cure or at least the aid they need to function in a normal and healthy fashion.

This post sort of derailed but I suppose it's not useless fodder.

Oh be careful what you say...

2010-04-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

I saw my therapist last Thursday and I commented that despite the lithium, a known weight gain causing drug, I had gone from 130 (within the healthy BMI range for me) to 117, most of that being in the last month. He said, "well, that's good." Now, he says this knowing I have been diagnosed as borderline anorexic and with body dysmorphic disorder. To me, that's like saying, "Go ahead, it's okay to lose another 17 lbs". Well, Mr. Therapist, I've lost one since our meeting last Thursday. Where is your head? I can only imagine not in your notes.

Today has been an eh-blah-okay day, I think that's more related to the day than the bipolar. Just one of those "blah" days you wish would hurry up and end.

You can never be too rich or too thin.....

Not Exactly Happy, But Oh-So Much Better

2010-04-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'd call my current state an apathetic calm. I can laugh and do, but mainly I go through the day feeling calm (not sedated) and at peace, which at least is a far call from crying and thinking, "save for my little ones, I'd kill myself now to escape whatever this is that's happening to me." By far and large, not fully understanding the disorder, especially what sets off a manic or depressive episode, is the most frustrating.

The MayoClinic.com states, Although bipolar disorder is a disruptive, long-term condition, you can keep your moods in check by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder can be controlled with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy). I laugh at the term "disruptive", that is by far an understatement. Also frustrating is the long-term (it should read life-long) nature of this disorder. Another frustration is, Mood shifts may only occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time (MayoClinic.com). If you allow it, it can become like waiting for a bomb to explode or the other proverbial shoe to drop.

So how did I live the last 10 years of my life diagnosed with depression, but not bipolar? Well, likely it was a combination of things. For me, "depression" (more so 10 years ago) had a stigma behind it but bipolar meant you were just freakin' nuts! So I never read about the disorder, never caught the symptoms. I also was very good at fooling my therapists. No more. I'm dead-open honest. It was just one little thing that Mr. Jane said a year ago that recently triggered in me, "what is wrong with me?", "why do I behave this way (manic) at times?" That set off the research, which I reported to my new therapist when we moved, and here I am, in a bipolar world. From what I've read, 10 years is actually the normal span for people to live with bipolar and not know it.

MayoClinic.com gives a number of causes for bipolar (Biological differences, Neurotransmitters, Hormones, Inherited Traits, and Environment) but I believe it is a combination of three main factors: changes to the brain in utero, Inherited Traits, and Environment. So that means I've always had bipolar, it just didn't emerge until I was 20 (though I was depressed before that) and didn't really "trigger" until my early to mid-20's, the main time for the disorder to present itself. Figuring out the triggers, that's more difficult. That can range from stress to any number of things. But why couldn't it have just laid dormant in me? I suppose when medical science figures that one out, the pharmaceutical companies will be filling their coffers...more.

*To get a good visual of the manic and depressive phases of bipolar, I recommend you check out Manic-Depressive Scale and Symptoms

Not much to report...a good thing!

2010-04-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to report, I'm really in a passive and calm state (and with two toddlers and a husband, that's not small feat!). I don't know if it's a combination of the Prozac and a passing of the depressive state or if it can solely be attributed to the Prozac. Either way, I'm not in the miserable state I've been in for weeks. I hope it continues but the more peaceful and at ease I feel, the less worried I become about falling off that edge. I hope that doesn't mean when a depressive state comes again, because I'm sure even with meds, it will (the research bares it out), I am not so surprised that I really go over the edge from the stark change between calm and peaceful and feeling like life should end.

Feeling "Normal"

2010-04-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Whatever "normal" is, I am finally feeling it! I suppose after this long run of depression and crying, that's cause for celebration! No more feelings of desperation, no thoughts of suicide, and no random bouts of crying. I feel calmer and more at peace each and every day. I can only attribute it to the Prozac (along with the other medications), which I hope continues to help me feel further and further away from that precipice I mentioned in my last post. I'm also losing the fear of the depression returning and focusing on feeling "normal". Next step I hope is feeling GOOD. One step at a time.....

Lotus Flower

Houston, We Have Progress

2010-04-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

've felt the most grounded, centered, and even-keeled as I have in a long time. Still, I worry about falling off the precipice. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, wondering when I'll fall back into a state I feel I cannot handle. Maybe I won't, I should be celebrating this, but I know too well that one, today didn't feel good enough to throw a large celebration and two, the way I feel, I'm teetering right on the edge. I want to, I need to move further from the edge of the cliff before I celebrate any victories. I'm still hanging on by a thread....

Oleander-Halo

And it's always little things

That to the surface brings

The comfort in the pain

The fear behind the smile

We lose along the way

The things we leave behind

Along the precipice

Of things we should not climb

And I'm the first in line

There's an anchor around my heart

Dragging me down

Beneath the waves in silence I fall

There's a halo above my head

Spinning me 'round

'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead

A dagger in my hand

Bleeding me dry

And it's always little things

That to the surface brings

The space you need to breathe

Before the curtain call

The light that leads the way

Before you hit the wall

The mountain that you climb

Just to take a fall

For blind among the blind

There's an anchor around my heart

Dragging me down

Beneath the waves in silence I fall

There's a halo above my head

Spinning me 'round

'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead

There's a dagger in my hand

Bleeding me dry

And all we have to lose is time

And what we lose we leave behind

Stay around and we will shine

In a Blue Funk State of Mind

2010-04-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm in a Blue Funk State of Mind, though there's no real reason for it. It's not easy, either. As T-Bone Walker crooned, "Stormy Monday" (see below) and one person commented on the song, "the gospel right there son. Blues def aint nothin but a good man feelin bad." Yesterday was mine and Mr. Jane's fifth wedding anniversary. He got me some beautiful roses with delicate, miniature tulips, and a hand-blown glass rooster. It was an anniversary without much fanfare, due to having Little Jane and Littlest Jane, but it was still nice.

Even still, all day yesterday, just like today, I could not shake my Blue Funk State of Mind. I'm beginning to wonder how long the down side of this depressive episode of bipolar is going to last. I'm beginning to question everything, like how long can I hold on? WHEN will the Prozac work? I feel calmer, but I'm still so very depressed. So, what next? I'm two weeks off from my next available therapy session due to Mr. Jane's work schedule. Can I really make it two weeks? I don't really have any other option. All I know is that right now, even when I am not teary, everything has a blue pallor to it. I feel like no one understands what it's like to be in a constant Blue Funk State of Mind.

A New Day

2010-03-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

It's a new day and I have great hopes, it can be better. Another day on Prozac, if this is going to work well for me, maybe today will be an improvement. I'm still expecting weeks before full effects kick in.

I was opining with a friend over why I'm so down and I said, "You know, it's a wonder I havent ended up in the mental ward, literally. I'm cycling through different drugs, Im on the depressed side of my bipolar, Im in chemical menopause, I had surgery less than two months ago for the third time since June 2009, I work a full plus time job, I have two toddlers testing their boundares and I lost my ability to have children when they did tubal on my one ovary left (even though we have/had plans for no more).

The chemical menopause alone, who really needs that? The Lupron shot that causes it only lasts a month and it's nearly been a month, so it should be out of my system soon and I hope that helps considerably.

My friend replied: "you should say to hell with it and go straight to shots of whiskey!!"

(Insert laughs)

On top of that, I'm 5,000 miles from my family and friends. Whew! Anyone stressed yet reading this?

Emotional Roller Coaster

2010-03-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's very odd to me to feel "peaceful" yet go into a state like I did this afternoon, crying and feeling like I didn't even want to live. I wonder, when will this cycle of emotions end? Why do they come and go like they do? Thank God the really low point didn't last long.

An online friend chatted with me and spoke of their experiences on Prozac and what she said matched my days four and 5 on it precisely. It's all so hard to explain, all so hard to comprehend, all so hard to take in...and all so hard to live. I'm counting on Prozac to be my lifeline.........

And I definitely don't want to become this girl (below), suicide can't be an option when you have two beautiful girls to care for.

For me, there's always tomorrow, always hope that it will be better...it will get better and won't always feel this way.

MomFractured, the Two Janes, and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, VERY Bad Day

2010-03-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

So today was one of those days. It would take six blogs to fill what happened today that could frazzle one, but I'm assuming theLupron I'm on to send me into chemical menopause is not helping to stabalize my mood(s). In fact, I'm considering risking monsterous sized cysts again on the one ovary I have left because I have to get my mood stable, or as stable as a woman can be (hahaha a laugh for all of you men!).

Other than the fact I thought I would totally lose it right at 2:30pm, only 30 minutes after the girls had been up from nap, I feel okay. Except when I thought I would lose my ever-lovin'-mind over the things Littlest Jane in particular was doing, I had an overall peaceful feeling. But I swear, I thought daddy would never come home and he saved me from this:

Let's go through some of the things Littlest Jane did: Threw hard objects at the over-sized windows, after she pulled up the roman shades (easy pull lever, no chords); dumped all of daddy's remotes (and there's a basket full) all over the hardwood floor; threw a large and heavy nearly 40 year old doll across the room and into the wall; threw her apple across the room; slapped me in the face more than twice, took Little Jane's "mommy's hopsicle socks" (the non-skid footie socks they give you in the hospital); AND threw her toy key board across the room and into the wall. And that's just the tip of the iceburg. Medicated or not, healthy or not, I think that's enough to send anyone over the edge.

Next time I want to send myself into a seizure, convulsing like state and get away from it all, I'll remember this:

(Now you can see MomFractured is coming back, there's her sarcastic humor!)

Here's a note: my seething rage is over, dad is home, and all is as blissful as it can be.

I think things are headed in the right direction so yes, PROZAC (not meth) just may be the answer.

Feeling better and better....The Prozac Wonder?

2010-03-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm losing the stumbling gait, constant tiredness, and zombie-like quality of the Trazodone, I'd call it pretty much gone. Even though this is only day three of the Prozac, I feel calmer, more balanced, and I'm becoming less weepy. I actually feel happy at times. I hope this is headed for stabilization, not a manic episode. My therapist says Prozac has less incidence of swings into mania than the anti-depressant I had trusted (off and on) for years, Lexapro. The only think is Prozac has killed my appetite and given me a very upset stomach. I've dropped 7lbs in just a couple of days, weighing in last night at 121lbs. For someone with an eating disorder, this is a slippery slope. I'm not sure if the Prozac appetite/upset stomach effect is lasting or lets up as my body adjusts to the medication. (Note: this is a noted side effect of Prozac, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, and upset stomach).

For now, I'm just happy to be feeling better mentally. We'll work on physically as I feel better mentally.

(Sterling Roses are my favorite: they announce happiness, peace, and beauty.)

I Smiled and Laughed This Morning!

2010-03-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Whew! Finally, no more stumbling around every 5 steps, no feeling tired all day long! I woke up and smiled and laughed this morning getting my girls out of bed, it was not an annoyance. It always used to be this way, it makes me so happy, I keep getting weepy over it. It was only a week of super-hell on Trazodone but I'm so happy I feel better, I'm crying.

Now, I still am very weepy off and on just for no reason. The Prozac my therapist prescribed should help with that, which he says is actual depression. I took my first 20mg dose this morning along with 30mg of klonopin (an anti-anxiety medication) and then tonight, I'll take 900mgs of lithium and 30mgs of klonopin. My therapist thinks the Trazodone worked so well before because I wasn't on lithium with it. The two together are very sedating so the Trazodone didn't work well as it was intended (to be an antidepressant). Thankfully he steered away (due to my hesitance) from Lexapro, a wonderful drug that I feel wonderful on, but only at high levels (30mgs) and swings me into a manic phase.

YAY! To feeling happy! I hope the Prozac is the trick that balances me out but for now, I'm just enjoying the effects of Trazodone wearing off.

So.......just for fun, a little bit of my humorous side! (after the jump)

Tap Tap Tappity Tap! I feel like dancing!!

Bye Bye Trazodone, Hello.....

2010-03-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well the new "cocktail" keeps lithium and klonopin, while tossing Trazadone and changing to Prozac. The list of drugs throughout my depression (even before I was diagnosed as Bipolar) is long indeed. What works for one, doesn't work for others and a drug that has work can lose its' efficacy so you have to start all over, adjusting to a drug, moving up the dosages, and hoping it works. It can be such a whirlwind of drugs, you start to loose count.

I suppose there's a lot of misinformation out there about Bipolar and depressive disorders. It just doesn't quite work like, "Stop being sad", "Snap out of it", or "Just choose joy". I promise if it were, except true self-loathers, would do it, readily. Who wants to feel like life is so full of sadness, it just isn't worth living? Who wants to feel totally hopeless and alone? Who wants to feel like they are carrying around a large demon on there back that sucks all the hope out of the world?

I hope to report in a week or two (though it may take 6-8 weeks to be effective) that I'm out of my depressive mode.

"I Choose Joy!"

2010-03-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

A very well-meaning, well-intended person, who loves me very much, said she just tells herself, "I Choose Joy!" If only it were that easy, 1) I'd do it and 2) A lot of psychiatrist/therapists would be out of A LOT of work. I wish I could wake up every day and say, "I'm going to be happy today!", "I'm going to choose joy!" But obviously, depression extends from a chemical imbalance, perhaps some damage to the brain in the womb that laid the path to problems down the road. All I do know is that a depressed person, especially a severely depressed on or one in the throws of a serious depressive state (remember, Bipolar is also referred to as manic/depressive), it's lucky when a good regimen of medication(s) is found that helps the cycling stop but to simply wish joy for oneself, that is still the impossible.

This picture was pained by artist Vincent Vangogh, presumable one of his last, thought so because of the very dark colors in the painting. He was only 37 when he died and it seems throughout most of it, he was quite troubled. The Troubled Life Of Vincent Van Gogh offers a good outlook on this troubled, restless soul who tragically died too young. I am sure if he could have simply, "chosen joy" he would have. It's great advice for the stable, almost a slap in the face to the imbalanced, because we want to!!!!.....but can't.

Bye Bye Trazodone?

2010-03-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

I am hoping to hear back tomorrow (Thursday) regarding a message I left for my therapist.. I am ready to throw all of my Trazodone into the trash. I can no longer stand the day-long lasting drowsiness, where I just stumble around with no hope of a straight or balanced gait.

Opinions are varied on Topamax and its' effectiveness on Bipolar as a mood stabilizer but it seems that more and more studies are showing success at stabilizing moods. I have asked to be placed on that, I'm hoping he's read the positive studies linking Bipolar mood stabilization and Topamax. I hope that my first idea not being right for me (when it was in the past) also doesn't negatively influence his opinion or allowing me to try Topamax.

Also waiting for the lithium test results......

Defining Bipolar and the different types.

2010-03-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

There are different types of Bipolar, Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and Bipolar Cyclomania. There aren't major differences between the four and the methods of medication are fairly similar, with lithium for mood stabilization being commonly prescribed. Other medications may also be introduced into the treatment process, depending on what other issues the patient is having.

Bipolar I- Also known as manic depressive disorder or manic depression, is consider a form of depressive disorder. From WEB MD , a person must have at least "in his or her life a manic episode. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of mania and depression, many people with bipolar I disorder can live normal lives.

Bipolar 2 - (again from WEB MDBipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.
However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.
A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

Bipolar NOS - (Not Otherwise specified) The main feature of this type of Bipolar, apart from depression, is rapid cycling and the key here is that anti-depressants set off a manic phase. In a manic phase, you find yourself feeling "invincible" and you can be prone to making very horrible, misguided decisions, ones you wouldn't normally make. Those include excessive spending of money or drinking highly excessive amounts. In other words, the manic periods swing incredibly high.

Bipolar Cyclomania- (from LiveStrong ; Bipolar disorder, sometimes still called manic depression, is a psychiatric disorder characterized by mood swings and thought disorders. People with bipolar III disorder, also called cyclothymia, have a less-severe disease than people with other bipolar syndromes. While they have mood changes alternating between hypomania and depression, they aren't subject to the suicidal lows and delusional highs seen in some types of bipolar disease and stay connected with reality, according to the National Library of Health.

Now I started off being diagnosed with Bipolar NOS, because high doses of anti-depressants would swing me into a severe manic state. But then, I realized through speaking with my doctor, that I would have long-lasting manic phases (greater than two weeks) even when off an anti-depressant.

Why didn't I realize this soon? Maybe I could be further on the road to treatment and stabilization. I blame myself, not my doctors, for not picking up on any of this soon.

All I know right now is my depressive state has been going on for over two months now and it just over-whelms me, right now I feel like it controls me, not that I control it.

In regards to post on March 16, 2010

2010-03-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

On March 16, 2009, I made a post about "Not treating me with kids glove...."
http://tinyurl.com/yd3gttx

And although I've mostly pushed out those unkind and inappropriate comments by my therapist, I believe he should be mindful of the words to this song, just replace "karma" with consequences for sin, since he's a Christian.

John Lennon-Instant Karma

Little Less Drunken Zombie, Little More Sad

2010-03-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm feeling less "drunk" from the Trazodone, but still feel the need to back off a little more on the drug, give it a few days, and go up by 50 mgs. The drug has given me wicked nausea, as someone (because of depression) who already doesn't want to eat much AND is border-line anorexic with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, this is not a good thing. The more the scale goes down, the more excited I get, the more determined to not eat I get. For over a year now, my girls have made comments about the small amount of food I place on my plate. When someone says children observe everything, they're spot-on. I've gone from 129lbs to 124lbs since I started the medication last Friday.

So I didn't hear back about my lithium levels today and the office is closed. I believe my doctor is off tomorrow so it seems likely it will be Thursday before I hear anything. I'm still extremely weepy so I'm quite interested to find out what my levels are and if they need to be raised to 1,200 mgs. I am just so tired of fighting off this sadness and more than anything, having no power over it, it's totally beyond my control.

No More Excessive Anger or Yelling Outburts.....

2010-03-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

The extreme uncontrollable outburst of anger and rage are gone. Instead, now I'm trying to find my right balance on Trazodone so I don't stumble around like a drunken zombie, which is what I'm doing right now, even at 2:12pm One starts off on Trazodone at 50mgs and moves up as tolerated, to 300-400mgs. It is a highly sedating drug which is why you must take it at night and must use extreme caution in increasing you dosage(s).

I mentioned that I was having my lithium levels to see if they were at a level that is therapeutically effective. I took the test on Friday and hopefully will know something tomorrow. I'm wonder if my dose is high enough because I'm still quite (though not as) weepy, far more than I was in the past.

I need to do some reading and asking (of my therapist), what sets bipolar (manic/depressive disorder) off, what triggers it? Surely there is something that is triggered in the brain, setting the highly depressive state off?
Hope to answer theses questions in my next blog post, as well as report lithium levels and feedback from my therapist.

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

2010-03-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

I saw my doctor again today and he did allow me to discontinue to Seroquel and swap it out for Trazodone, though they are two different types of drugs So I hope this will cut down on my rages, I would say hopefully it would eradicate them altogether but I am in chemical menopause through Lupron and while most women are able to take some estrogen to help with those not-so-pleasant moods, a blood clotting disorder makes estrogen a potential deadly hazard for me 32 times more likely to have a thrombosis while on estrogen). For those who are interested, it is an inherited disorder, I received it from either my mother or father.

Tomorrow I will need to have blood drawn and have my lithium levels checked. They haven't been checked since raising my levels from 600mg per night to 900mg night. At 600mg, the lithium was not at the desirable therapuetic level. Hopefully this time (on 900mgs per day) they will be closer to or at the levels they should be. According to my doctor and Biopolar World.org the desirable level is .8. At my last check, levels were at .5. I'm still having a lot of crying moments and an unstable mood, so we'll see, it may be he increases the dosage to 1,200mgs which like the Klonopin I take, would be on the higher end (6mgs Klonopin which is actually quite high and my therapist was surprised I was on such a high level. With out it, I am a complete total wreck. Shaking, I feel like the day can't move fast enough, I have extreme agitation and this feeling that is almost indescribable, other than to say, I can't function feeling that way.)

I Say Bad Things...

2010-03-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

I say bad things...horrible things..and I'm not proud of it. This part, the times I say horrid things to Mr. Jane, are definitely not an excuse for a result of my bipolar condition Regardless of how Mr. Jane behaves or what he says, what I say either provoked or unprovoked, is unaccceptable. The most god-awful things fly out of my mouth, things I never ever mean and things I instantly regret. Telling the man I love more than anything in the world that I wish he would drop dead? Where does that come from? Totally inappropriate, totally unacceptable! There is one small allowance for me the last several days, read more after the jump.....

Last week, I had been on a "downward spiral" for 9 days. I called my therapist and asked for a prescription of Seroquel which I have taken and had success with in the past. Well, not this time. Aside from the fact that the medication makes you stumble around like a druken clown if you have to get up at night (recommended to be taken at night), it igited hell fire fury in me. This hell fire fury has not been limited to anyone, no one has been spared, including my girls.

Whereas usually the loudest I raise my voice doesn't even phase them, I've gone to all-out yelling at the top my lungs and SCREAMING at them over the most minute of issues. I am so absolutely filled with rage over things that formerly, never bothered me and/or only caused me mild irritation (like the 9,000 times I've said "don't throw your sanwich bits on the floor or the 10 millionth time Littlest Jane has spilled her entire glass of milk, AGAIN). This rage started between 48-72 hours after begining Seroquel, right when I reached near maximum (for the time) dosage (My Dr. prescribed it so as to step up and increase the dosing by 50mg each night).

In the last several days, I've had more fits of rage and feelings of an anger that fills me that I cannot control, than I have had weepy moments, though I'm still in a downward spiral at the time and cry often. Thankfully, I have an appointment today and I hope to come back on Trazodone, a drug that has worked for me in the past, (in addition to Lithium and Klonopin) as I don't plan on ever taking Seroquel again.

You can read about the potential side effects of Seroquel here: Seroquel Side Effects

To my family who has had to endure my wrath for the last week, I am truly apologetic. I love them all very much and I hate the fits of rage more than I hate the near-constant crying and over-all deppresive mood.

We're All Mad Here

2010-03-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

“'But I don’t want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can’t help that,' said the Cat. 'We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.'

'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.'”

Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I have dreams of one day, out running this, walking long enough to defeat it.

I watched an interesting documentary on depression on Hawaii PBS late last night. On the show, Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary described his decades long (and ongoing) battle with depression, its' effects, and how it made him feel. It also focused on other individuals who shared their experiences regarding depression. It made some valid points that no one, even someone else going through depression, can know how I am feeling. Telling someone who has depression you know how they feel and it will get better is absolutely the wrong thing to say.

See, depression is like a demon on my back, ever present, always willing, ready, and able to rear its ugly head. It brings with it the eradication of hope, regardless of what or who you have in your life (for instance, Mr. Jane, Little Jane, and Littlest Jane). This demon can annihilate you no matter how much you have materially, emotionally, or spiritual. It knows no boundaries, anyone and everyone is fair game for an attack, white, black, hispanic, rich, poor, famous, church mouse, it strikes peoples of all types and backgrounds

The feeling(s) of depression, half demon, half angel. Never can

tell which one will strike on any given day or at any given

moment.

There is no shame in being sick, so carry on, moment by moment, my sweet survivors.

Dan McClean "Vincent" ("Starry Starry Night")

2010-03-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

A brilliant artist who suffered (presumably) quite horribly from mental illness.
If picture does not show, click link to hear song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dipFMJckZOM

Lyrics after the jump

Starry, starry night.

Paint your palette blue and grey,

Look out on a summer's day,

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

Shadows on the hills,

Sketch the trees and the daffodils,

Catch the breeze and the winter chills,

In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,

How you suffered for your sanity,

How you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how.

Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,

Swirling clouds in violet haze,

Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.

Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,

Weathered faces lined in pain,

Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,

How you suffered for your sanity,

How you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how.

Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,

But still your love was true.

And when no hope was left in sight

On that starry, starry night,

You took your life, as lovers often do.

But I could have told you, Vincent,

This world was never meant for one

As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.

Portraits hung in empty halls,

Frameless head on nameless walls,

With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.

Like the strangers that you've met,

The ragged men in the ragged clothes,

The silver thorn of bloody rose,

Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,

How you suffered for your sanity,

How you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they're not listening still.

Perhaps they never will...

Don't Treat Me With Kid's Gloves But Do Choose Your Words Wisely

2010-03-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves- Gandhi

The title can actually be applied in any circumstance, to anybody. It's a great mantra to live by. It's also a mantra my therapist seems to have either forgotten, misplaced, or never learned. On one of my visits to him a couple of months ago (about my third or so visit with him), I was at my lowest. I was visibly shaken, so upset I could not even drive myself to the appointment. He could tell from the start that I was in emotional pain and extremely upset. (This was before placing me on Lithium to try and balance my mood somewhat.)

My therapist, Dr. Jane, is a Christian and he makes no effort to hide it. It's stated in the new client paperwork he gives and in his office which is littered with Christian literature and bibles. Now that's fine, he's never once prosthelytized to me. However, somewhere along the way he lost what's acceptable for a therapist to say.

I have long grappled with the issue of if there really is a God. That's shocking for someone who stoutly believed in God for her whole life until she went to college and began to think more freely about the universe and God. After three to four years of deciding what I did and didn't believe, I arrived at the strong conclusion that God indeed, did not exist and was merely a crutch for the weak who had to have something greater than them to believe in and who had to have a comforting explanation for what would happen to them after death. I am currently strongly re-evaluating this stance, with an ever-increasing sense of spirtuality.
(Dawkin's would call me a "level 6" atheist, the same as he is)

When I was in this horribly low state, my mind began to turn to teachings of my childhood and I began to wonder if God was punishing me with my disorder to teach me a lesson, perhaps showing me what happens to those who don't believe or that I did infact, need Him. So, knowing Dr. Jane was a Christian, on my way out of a session where I said, "you're my last hope, I don't know how I can go on", I asked if he thought God punished people in the way(s) I was suffering to show them how wrong they were. To my astonishment, Dr. Jane said yes, he believes God does punish people that way, then tacked on awkwardly, something about "to show them the way and/or lead them back to Him, show them the need for God in their lives. Great, now not only am I desperate and suicidal, looking for any sliver of hope I could find, but I'm condemened and smitten too.

I was shell-shocked, to say the least. I have never since and never will again ask him any such question. I was at such a point that I easily could have come home and taken a full bottle of Lithium and Klonipin, something I had told him in session, that I was so low, I was at suicidal state, only hanging on for the sake of my girls. The lack of compassion, which I so desperately wanted, was a slap to the face, heck a spit in the face. The only reason I stick with Dr. Jane is because he's quite introspective and really takes everything in, showing me he isn't just tossing meds out the window and hoping they work (I've had a doctor like this, though he was incredibly kind). I stick with him also because there are only two therapists within an hour of me that are covered by my insurance. I left that session though, crying harder than when I went into it and feeling even more desperate.

To be fair, my next visit he was quite concerned about me and if I was doing better, he mentioned how awful I looked last time and how he could see all the pain I was in. I really do believe that he is brilliant in knowledge about medications and what to do and is methodical in his treatments, wanting the best long-term fix for his patients, not to have them med jumping and all over the spectrum.

Another Oddity to Add to the Pot

2010-03-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Did I forget to mention I'm also OCD (this also partially explains my eating disorders because they fall into the spectrum of control issues, though one of my therapists says the medical society/DSMV IV is looking at recategorizing the spectrum of eating disorders)?

My OCD can show up in different forms at different times. My most "peculiar" OCD habit is that I must eat off a certain plate and use a specific fork and/or spoon. This is not a want, it is a must. I put away the dishes but if for some reason Mr. Jane goes scavaging and rearranges things (as he always does, just tosses things willy nilly when searching) and I cannot find my plate and utensils, it causes me extreme stress and anxiety. The other thing I've become OCD about are my downstairs floors. The entire house is hardwood laminate and there's red mud everywhere here. With two toddlers, Little Jane and Littlest Jane, plus a Mr.Jane who walks outside in his socks, trampling through the mud, dirt, grass, sidewalk, wherever, you get it, you can imagine how hard it is to keep floors clean in my house. Dirt and crumbs, it's a never-ending battle and there are days I will vacuum or sweep and mop up to five times per day.

So if you ever come to Wahiawa and make your way to my home, please, if you take your shoes off, don't look at the soles of your feet or the bottom of your socks, you'll think I need to be on that delightful tv show, "How Clean Is Your House" and send Kim and Aggie packing my way. Also, don't hide or use my plate and silverware, you'll witness a meltdown. The silverware is one of those cheap sets that has blue plastic around the handle and it's already coming undone. God help me when it's finally no longer useable.

Today's mood: Up and down, slightly weeping, trying to hang in there. Seems it may not be as bad as some, but could turn in an instant or it could be, at best, a semi-steady day, not looking like an "up" or "manic" day.

Not defined by my disorder but often consumed

2010-03-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

A very wise person told me that I was not my disorder, just as my father, who died at 33 of a massiave heart attack, wasn't heart disease, nor was my aunt who died of cancer, cancer. She made a wise observation that gave me pause to think and to realize the truth in her words and in that truth, some strength.

I am not bipolar disorder, I am Jane, mom of 2, wife to a wonderful but often non-understanding, lacking in the ability to show compassion, husband. In Mr. Jane's defense, I suppose it's hard to know what to do when you know there really isn't anything you can do. It's not nasal congestion where you can run to the store and purchase decongestant. It's not a skinned knee where Neosporin and a band-aid can be applied.
I hate that it affects my family the way it does, more so my husband because he's an adult but also my children, and probably more and more as they get older. But I bottle in so much of it, it affects me far more than it does any of them. Bipolar, especially "lulls", are the demon on my shoulder. Ever present, ever waiting to show up, ever ready to rear its' ugly head and consume me with sadness and thoughts and sometimes wishes for death. I recently read an article on CNN.com that said in the U.S., 91 people commit suicide daily. I wonder how many of these suffer from bipolar/manic/depressive disorder?

Bipolar has a domino effect. It falls down to immediate family, then extended family, then friends, and then when it's all too much to bear, strangers. The tears are here and they just keep coming, with no forseeable end in sight. How unfair that no matter how hard I try to keep it in, it affects those I love and live with, those most precious to me.

Hope is little, medical outcome bleak....

2010-03-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

From Google health:

For the manic phase of bipolar disorder, antipsychotic medications, lithium, and mood stabilizers are typically used. For the depressive phase, antidepressants are sometimes used, with or without the manic phase treatment.

There is very little long-term evidence suggesting that any medication has great success in the maintenance phase. However, in studies that followed patients for 2 years, lithium and some antipsychotics were found to be moderately successful.

This means my swings, my down, depressive, and suicidal periods have little chance of stabalizing or improving overall, only for brief periods.

Read more about Bipolar after the jump
Overview

Bipolar disorder involves periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very abrupt.

Symptoms

The manic phase may last from days to months and can include the following symptoms:

Agitation or irritation

Elevated mood

Hyperactivity

Increased energy

Lack of self-control

Racing thoughts

Inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur, false beliefs in special abilities)

Little need for sleep

Over-involvement in activities

Poor temper control

Reckless behavior

Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use

Impaired judgment

Sexual promiscuity

Spending sprees

Tendency to be easily distracted

These symptoms of mania are seen with bipolar disorder I. In people with bipolar disorder II, hypomanic episodes involve similar symptoms that are less intense.

The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder involves very serious symptoms of major depression:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions

Eating disturbances

Loss of appetite and weight loss

Overeating and weight gain

Fatigue or listlessness

Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and/or guilt

Loss of self-esteem

Persistent sadness

Persistent thoughts of death

Sleep disturbances

Excessive sleepiness

Inability to sleep

Suicidal thoughts

Withdrawal from activities that were once enjoyed

Withdrawal from friends

There is a high risk of suicide with bipolar disorder. While in either phase, patients may abuse alcohol or other substances, which can worsen the symptoms.

Sometimes there is an overlap between the two phases. Manic and depressive symptoms may occur simultaneously or in quick succession in what is called a mixed state.

Causes

Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally. It usually appears between ages 15 - 25. The exact cause is unknown, but it occurs more often in relatives of people with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder results from disturbances in the areas of the brain that regulate mood.

There are two primary types of bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder I have had at least one fully manic episode with periods of major depression. In the past, bipolar disorder I was called manic depression.

People with bipolar disorder II seldom experience full-fledged mania. Instead they experience periods of hypomania (elevated levels of energy and impulsiveness that are not as extreme as the symptoms of mania). These hypomanic periods alternate with episodes of major depression.

A mild form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia involves periods of hypomania and mild depression, with less severe mood swings. People with bipolar disorder II or cyclothymia may be misdiagnosed as having depression alone.

(from https://health.google.com/health/ref/Bipolar+disorder)

Long-Term Outcomes

According to my therapist, bipolar is a life-long disorder and the route of the disorder varies wildly. Some people function rather normally, able to carry on normal lives. Others are somewhere in between carrying on a normal life to being incapacitated by the disorder. Then there are those who reach a point where they are so disabled, they must go on disability for life because they cannot hold or maintain a job.

My Posting Style and About Me

2010-03-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Some days my posts will be rather organized, rather well-put together. Others, it will flow not so seemlessly, it will seem random bits, put together.

As you look at the picture on the left-hand side of this blog, you may recognize it as being Pablo Picasso's "Weeping Woman". I chose it for this blog not for the title, even though I do cry and weep a lot throughout the day, especially when not in a phase of mania, (which I haven't been for a couple of weeks now) but because it reminds me...of me. It reminds me of this beautiful stained glass picture that's been dropped and put back together all mismatched and wrong. This isn't to say I exactly feel beautiful either, not often any way.

It's just been recently that I've been diagnosed with Bipolar and for now, it's BP NOS (not otherwise specified) but headed for Bi-Polar I because it seems I don't really fit the requirements of BP NOS. My therapist and I came to the conclusion that I was BP when I explained having "manic" episodes on larges doses of Lexapro. In my manic phases I would make horribly irrespsonsible decisions, ones I'd never do when not in that state of mind. For example, I would spend recklessly and drink excessively. For the last ten years or so, since going to college and having total meltdowns and seeking help, I had been diagnosed with General Depressive Disorder that I was told I would likely need to be on meds for for the remainder of my life. That hit me hard and being in my early 20's and quite foolish, I would start to feel good (sometimes TOO good and have what I now know were "manic" phases) and I would stop my meds. Anyone on an anti-depressant knows where this can lead and it did.

When I was 23, I hit one of my two lowest points ever. I shut myself in my apartment, wouldn't even take the trash out, and all I could focus on was dying, it was the only relief I could see. I finally had my mom come get me (she lived about an hour away) and take me to the ER where I was transfered to a mental health facility and voluntarily signed myself in to avoid a court-ordered stay. When I left, I was on so many drugs (Trazadone, Seroquel, Lexapro, just to name a few) that I was sleeping over 16 hours a day. I cut out the Traz and was able to function until night time when I took my high dose of Seroquel and was literally dead to the world. Seems that episode wasn't enough to teach me to stay on my meds because I didn't.

Now, for some reason, being diagnosed BP has hit me harder than just "general depressive disorder", it seems like I have some stigma, some scarlet "A", that I'm a deficient person, parent, and wife. I have been extremely weepy for the last two weeks. My therapist upped my Lithium, which had been a great mood stabalizer, to 900mg per night because blood tests revealed my levels weren't at what would be of therapuetic benefit. I'm also on Klonopin, 3mgs in the morning and 3mgs at night, plus now Im on 200mgs of Seroquel, just started last Thursday (starting at 50mgs and building each night). Now maybe in a few more days the Seroquel will help (Im horribly scared of gaining weight on this, I did last time, A LOT, and Im a petitie person) and being borderline annorexic and having body dismorphic disorder (BDD), the thought of any weight gain is a daunting one but I want to stop crying all the time.

Add to all of this, I've been put into a chemical menopause because of problems with ovarian cysts, involving three surgeries since June 2009 (spent my 30th bday i the hospital). Doctors want to see if quietig my ovaries will fix my pain before they do something so drastic as a hysterectomy on a 30 yr (many health risks involved to do so). Now, add to all this a horrid at-home support system and being stationed nearly 5,000 from my home and family in NC, and you've got a mixture for one overly-taxed woman.

It's quite disheartening to have a husband who doesn't even care to be sympathetic but instead must believe he's speaking to one of his soldiers, yelling if I cry and telling me to stop being such a baby (and he likes to yell A LOT...not to say he doesn't have good qualities too, I can't paint him with one brush only, it's not fair). Right now, I feel so alone on this earth. I have my two beautiful toddler girls who honestly, are the only thing keeping me here right now, that's how over-whelmed I am with my depression.

So, here I am, a fractured, broken mom, drowning and looking for the right lifeline to save me. Life can't always be this way, it's not bareable.

-Signed, Jane